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Fucking Hell
A month and a half later and I'm finally feeling anger over something that I probably should have been feeling anger about all along. Granted, this is a way shorter time span than the two years it took me to really feel anger about something else.
How can I expect someone else to apologize to me for something that I otherwise probably should have stopped from happening in the first place?
That's not a riddle. I'm honestly asking. I really don't know how to work my brain around that thought. I feel like I should be owed an apology, but at the same time, I take full responsibility for the fact that I didn't put an end to things happening myself. So, how is it right for me to feel like I'm hurt and angry and due an apology over something that I might have prevented from happening in the first place? Or is it right for me to feel these things at all?
How can I expect someone else to apologize to me for something that I otherwise probably should have stopped from happening in the first place?
That's not a riddle. I'm honestly asking. I really don't know how to work my brain around that thought. I feel like I should be owed an apology, but at the same time, I take full responsibility for the fact that I didn't put an end to things happening myself. So, how is it right for me to feel like I'm hurt and angry and due an apology over something that I might have prevented from happening in the first place? Or is it right for me to feel these things at all?
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I went back to church this weekend
And I rediscovered my faith.
That's not a euphemism for something else.
That's also not me saying I found religion, or I found Jesus Christ, or that I've been Born Again (although the last does come close to the feelings I have right now). I had to bite my tongue quite a lot while in my old church and while speaking to my old friends, the pastors and wives of the church, from 10-15 years ago. I've unfortunately grown a bit bitter against organized religion, and repetitively saying Amen and Bless The Lord in response to good news just annoys me nowadays. I was not there to offend anyone else; I was just looking for something I was missing.
I found what I was looking for.
That's not a euphemism for something else.
That's also not me saying I found religion, or I found Jesus Christ, or that I've been Born Again (although the last does come close to the feelings I have right now). I had to bite my tongue quite a lot while in my old church and while speaking to my old friends, the pastors and wives of the church, from 10-15 years ago. I've unfortunately grown a bit bitter against organized religion, and repetitively saying Amen and Bless The Lord in response to good news just annoys me nowadays. I was not there to offend anyone else; I was just looking for something I was missing.
I found what I was looking for.
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Embrace The Pain
There is nothing we can do to be anything else than what we are.
How radical are you prepared to be?
The truth is different for everyone.
What is there to be afraid of?
- not even that
I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to change. I'm no longer afraid of that, which is to say, I'm no longer afraid of not being able to change.
State of consciousness = to know thyself.
Exist simply as one's true self.
Accept others as themselves.
They too serve their own purpose.
Keep reaching for the next branch.
What DOES boredom feel like, anyway?
How radical are you prepared to be?
The truth is different for everyone.
What is there to be afraid of?
- not even that
I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to change. I'm no longer afraid of that, which is to say, I'm no longer afraid of not being able to change.
State of consciousness = to know thyself.
Exist simply as one's true self.
Accept others as themselves.
They too serve their own purpose.
Keep reaching for the next branch.
What DOES boredom feel like, anyway?
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I'm grounded
You know, when I got in trouble as a child, my parents might give me a spanking, send me to my room, make me write sentences or do times tables, sit me down for a 2 hour lecture, or make me put my nose in the corner.
But what I hated more than anything in the world was being grounded.
It's interesting how as an adult, though, being "grounded" without my head in the clouds and my brain wandering aimlessly in my imaginations actually helps to free me so that I can wander happily in life.
The more I let go and stop trying to control the world around me, the more grounded and at ease I become, and my energy and happiness shoots through the roof.
Even if I'm still in the dog house.
I mean really - have you ever tried staying angry at a child that won't stop laughing? If you're a decent person, it just can't be done.
But what I hated more than anything in the world was being grounded.
It's interesting how as an adult, though, being "grounded" without my head in the clouds and my brain wandering aimlessly in my imaginations actually helps to free me so that I can wander happily in life.
The more I let go and stop trying to control the world around me, the more grounded and at ease I become, and my energy and happiness shoots through the roof.
Even if I'm still in the dog house.
I mean really - have you ever tried staying angry at a child that won't stop laughing? If you're a decent person, it just can't be done.
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All She Wants To Do Is Dance
I really needed this evening.
I've been in my room cleaning, dusting, putting things away, occasionally playing a game of Nonosweeper, checking for specials on Steam, listening to some really great music, and dancing.
I can't explain how much I want to share this feeling with someone in particular.
He may have a little something to do with my new-found mindset.
*shifty-eyes*
I've been in my room cleaning, dusting, putting things away, occasionally playing a game of Nonosweeper, checking for specials on Steam, listening to some really great music, and dancing.
I can't explain how much I want to share this feeling with someone in particular.
He may have a little something to do with my new-found mindset.
*shifty-eyes*
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Getting out of my own head
Theory of Mind sucks.
I don't really like figuring out that other people don't think like I do.
I mean, I KNEW they didn't think like me since forever, but learning HOW people think and feel so that I can interact and communicate better with others is a growing pain that's seriously getting on my nerves right about now. It's like an immersive language class, and I'm reaching the point that I just wish my teacher would speak in English if only for a couple of sentences at least. Speak in a language I can understand, for crying out loud!
I guess you could say this is like a mini temper tantrum I'm having in my own mind.
"But I don't WANNA go to school today" *stomps feet*
So tired.
I don't really like figuring out that other people don't think like I do.
I mean, I KNEW they didn't think like me since forever, but learning HOW people think and feel so that I can interact and communicate better with others is a growing pain that's seriously getting on my nerves right about now. It's like an immersive language class, and I'm reaching the point that I just wish my teacher would speak in English if only for a couple of sentences at least. Speak in a language I can understand, for crying out loud!
I guess you could say this is like a mini temper tantrum I'm having in my own mind.
"But I don't WANNA go to school today" *stomps feet*
So tired.
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Argh
I'm starting to feel pensive and almost regretful about choosing to get my own house to purchase this house.
WTF, brain?
I'm not as wonderfully excited about this house as I was the first two that I put offers in on. I feel more just "okay" about it. Maybe that's what's causing this feeling?
Or maybe it's the waiting game messing with me. I don't know.
Either way, I really don't like this feeling.
WTF, brain?
I'm not as wonderfully excited about this house as I was the first two that I put offers in on. I feel more just "okay" about it. Maybe that's what's causing this feeling?
Or maybe it's the waiting game messing with me. I don't know.
Either way, I really don't like this feeling.
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And
There go the hiccups again.
I hate being this stressed.
EDIT: 6 min later and I have an email from my realtor. I had the wrong house pegged. It was a different one that had a previous offer on the table. This one doesn't have any that we are aware of. Whew. Now maybe I can get a better night sleep AND STOP HICCUPING!!
I hate being this stressed.
EDIT: 6 min later and I have an email from my realtor. I had the wrong house pegged. It was a different one that had a previous offer on the table. This one doesn't have any that we are aware of. Whew. Now maybe I can get a better night sleep AND STOP HICCUPING!!
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Anxious
What am I waiting for?
Well, technically, I'm now waiting for a response regarding my house offer. They are asking for "best and final" offers today, as they have 5+ offers on the table, and my offer was already my best and final, which unfortunately is slightly less than their asking price. This process doesn't allow for anyone to know what anyone else is offering, and the bank could still decline all offers if they wish. Right now, I'm not very hopeful.
Beyond that, everything in my life feels like it's on some kind of hold. Waiting for something to happen. Waiting for the green light to come on.
I know I'm worried about starting any new projects until after I'm moved, but that mentality also seems to be translating into not wanting to work on or complete any current projects as well. I think I've made 4 stitches in my cross stitch over the past two weeks. I've managed to read a few pages in a book. Hell, I can't even motivate myself to download a game on my computer right now. I'm just a deer caught in headlights, unable to move in any direction.
I feel a bit lost right now. Maybe it's good to get lost once in a while? It might be good, but it's very, very uncomfortable for me. I used to figure the caterpillar was comfortable in the cocoon. Now I wonder if that isn't the most uncomfortable time and place to be in ever.
Well, technically, I'm now waiting for a response regarding my house offer. They are asking for "best and final" offers today, as they have 5+ offers on the table, and my offer was already my best and final, which unfortunately is slightly less than their asking price. This process doesn't allow for anyone to know what anyone else is offering, and the bank could still decline all offers if they wish. Right now, I'm not very hopeful.
Beyond that, everything in my life feels like it's on some kind of hold. Waiting for something to happen. Waiting for the green light to come on.
I know I'm worried about starting any new projects until after I'm moved, but that mentality also seems to be translating into not wanting to work on or complete any current projects as well. I think I've made 4 stitches in my cross stitch over the past two weeks. I've managed to read a few pages in a book. Hell, I can't even motivate myself to download a game on my computer right now. I'm just a deer caught in headlights, unable to move in any direction.
I feel a bit lost right now. Maybe it's good to get lost once in a while? It might be good, but it's very, very uncomfortable for me. I used to figure the caterpillar was comfortable in the cocoon. Now I wonder if that isn't the most uncomfortable time and place to be in ever.
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Coming Out?
( Exactly how curious are you to know more about me? )
In other news, I have my eye on another house. I'm ready to put in an offer yesterday (fun play on words, but I mean it literally - I actually wanted to put in an offer yesterday), but I'm giving it two days to think on and to also give my dad a chance to see the house and give his stamp of approval. We're going to go look at it again tomorrow after work. I hope this one pans out. In the meantime, I'm just about crawling out of my skin with excitement, and I have to keep tamping it down until it's an officially done deal.
I also received the fractal cross stitch pattern in the mail that I posted about recently. 94 colors! 30 pages of charts! Holy cow!!! This thing really is going to be huge and going to take me the next ten years to stitch. This will be good, because what with buying a house, sitting on my ass doing nothing but stitching and working through all the computer games and movies I own is about all I'm going to be able to afford for a while in the way of entertainment. Oh, and I'm SO looking forward to getting back to my piano playing. I can't wait to have the piano with me again.
Eileen keeps tempting me with going out to Pan. Gripe at me all you want about it, but I still want to loose a bit more weight before I hop into one of my dresses again.
I keep forgetting that I need to make business cards for the company, as my mom is starting to be asked for them by a client she's been working with.
And there's a bar I need to finish building, but good god, it did that hot thing outside again. As much as I want to go work on it now, uh, it can wait a tad bit longer.
In other news, I have my eye on another house. I'm ready to put in an offer yesterday (fun play on words, but I mean it literally - I actually wanted to put in an offer yesterday), but I'm giving it two days to think on and to also give my dad a chance to see the house and give his stamp of approval. We're going to go look at it again tomorrow after work. I hope this one pans out. In the meantime, I'm just about crawling out of my skin with excitement, and I have to keep tamping it down until it's an officially done deal.
I also received the fractal cross stitch pattern in the mail that I posted about recently. 94 colors! 30 pages of charts! Holy cow!!! This thing really is going to be huge and going to take me the next ten years to stitch. This will be good, because what with buying a house, sitting on my ass doing nothing but stitching and working through all the computer games and movies I own is about all I'm going to be able to afford for a while in the way of entertainment. Oh, and I'm SO looking forward to getting back to my piano playing. I can't wait to have the piano with me again.
Eileen keeps tempting me with going out to Pan. Gripe at me all you want about it, but I still want to loose a bit more weight before I hop into one of my dresses again.
I keep forgetting that I need to make business cards for the company, as my mom is starting to be asked for them by a client she's been working with.
And there's a bar I need to finish building, but good god, it did that hot thing outside again. As much as I want to go work on it now, uh, it can wait a tad bit longer.
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Honesty versus Diplomacy
This keeps coming up. Over and over again. It's probably the one thing that I have the most difficult time with. Most times something has gone wrong in my life it's because I was being honest and forgetting about the diplomacy. People ended up hurt because of it, and not least of all me getting hurt as well.
Diplomacy feels like lying. Not saying openly and completely how I am feeling or what I am thinking feels like lying, which actually feels worse than the possibility of hurting someone for being truthful. Not getting something off of my chest feels likea constricted bra (Damn it, Brain, cut it out with the stupid puns!) a massive heavy weight that will never lift and continues to push down until I can't take it anymore.
There's no getting around this. I've tried. I've tried to figure out some way of keeping it to myself and letting it go, but that's impossible for me. The inhibition is simply not there. So, now I'm looking for the middle ground. I'm looking for ways to speak my mind honestly, yet diplomatically. The whole, "Yes, that dress makes you look fat," gets replaced by, "Hm. Maybe you could try and wear the green dress, instead. Yeah, try that on and let me see it."
I don't know if I can successfully implement something like this. I don't know if I can train my mind well enough to inhibit just enough to avoid the accident I see about to occur up ahead. Some people are absolutely amazing at being able to do this, being able to say the right things and in the right way. They don't have to formalize it in their minds - it comes as natural to them as breathing.
Diplomacy feels like lying. Not saying openly and completely how I am feeling or what I am thinking feels like lying, which actually feels worse than the possibility of hurting someone for being truthful. Not getting something off of my chest feels like
There's no getting around this. I've tried. I've tried to figure out some way of keeping it to myself and letting it go, but that's impossible for me. The inhibition is simply not there. So, now I'm looking for the middle ground. I'm looking for ways to speak my mind honestly, yet diplomatically. The whole, "Yes, that dress makes you look fat," gets replaced by, "Hm. Maybe you could try and wear the green dress, instead. Yeah, try that on and let me see it."
I don't know if I can successfully implement something like this. I don't know if I can train my mind well enough to inhibit just enough to avoid the accident I see about to occur up ahead. Some people are absolutely amazing at being able to do this, being able to say the right things and in the right way. They don't have to formalize it in their minds - it comes as natural to them as breathing.
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Fall Down 7 Times...
"Somehow, somewhere during the last summer, he had without realizing it crossed that line Quillian had told him about. He was no longer a cripple, but rather was simply a man who happened to have only one leg."
"What is this self I think I will lose if I leave what I know."
yep.
...get up 8.
"What is this self I think I will lose if I leave what I know."
yep.
...get up 8.
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Defense
Defense is about standing up for myself, not about fighting back against others.
It is not my responsibility to make others think what I want them to think, especially about me.
If they want to know why I did something or said something, instead of coming up with their own surmises, they can ask me. (People who are angry don't tend to ask. They tend to assume they are correct. "They" includes me.)
It is not my responsibility to get them to change their mind.
What is my responsibility is knowing why I have done the things I have done and said the things I have said, and be able to stand behind my own thoughts, words, and actions.
An apology is a way to acknowledge that ... (I'll have to think a bit more on this in order to finish this sentence.)
It is not my responsibility to make others think what I want them to think, especially about me.
If they want to know why I did something or said something, instead of coming up with their own surmises, they can ask me. (People who are angry don't tend to ask. They tend to assume they are correct. "They" includes me.)
It is not my responsibility to get them to change their mind.
What is my responsibility is knowing why I have done the things I have done and said the things I have said, and be able to stand behind my own thoughts, words, and actions.
An apology is a way to acknowledge that ... (I'll have to think a bit more on this in order to finish this sentence.)
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3-2-1 Contact
Have you ever seen the movie Contact, with Jodie Foster? There's a scene where she's strapped into a seat in the space-traveling ball that isn't supposed to be there - nothing's supposed to be "attached" to the ball. It's ridiculously rough and bouncy, and you find out it's because anything attached to the ball is basically being pulled simultaneously in both directions (across galaxy and not across galaxy) at once. When she unstraps herself from the chair, everything becomes smooth and she's floating in a zero-g space.
I feel right now like I'm strapped to that chair, and I'd really like to get back to that point that I'm calmly floating in space.
The past few months have been nothing but non-stop changes and things breaking horrifically all around me. I'm not sure how much more of this my brain can take. I found myself getting so upset at something (that turned out to be a really awesome thing) a couple weeks ago that I slammed the door to my bedroom shut. This is not a happy me. I'm really lost right now, and I kind of wish I could just scream at the top of my lungs at the world and that damned Murphy and all of his rules lawyering going on right now (damned max-min bastard that he is). Yeah, they can all just go to hell right now.
I feel right now like I'm strapped to that chair, and I'd really like to get back to that point that I'm calmly floating in space.
The past few months have been nothing but non-stop changes and things breaking horrifically all around me. I'm not sure how much more of this my brain can take. I found myself getting so upset at something (that turned out to be a really awesome thing) a couple weeks ago that I slammed the door to my bedroom shut. This is not a happy me. I'm really lost right now, and I kind of wish I could just scream at the top of my lungs at the world and that damned Murphy and all of his rules lawyering going on right now (damned max-min bastard that he is). Yeah, they can all just go to hell right now.
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Whirlwind Revelation
So, I'm not very good with generalized empathy.
However, it suddenly dawned on me that my style of empathy is merely being able to relate your story to a similar story of my own or maybe even a movie plot I watched or someone else's story that I witnessed or heard. Hence, I tend to jump into telling a story of my own instead of sympathizing and it might come off as me being totally self-centered and non-empathetic.
However, it suddenly dawned on me that my style of empathy is merely being able to relate your story to a similar story of my own or maybe even a movie plot I watched or someone else's story that I witnessed or heard. Hence, I tend to jump into telling a story of my own instead of sympathizing and it might come off as me being totally self-centered and non-empathetic.
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Schneeschmelze!
This is my most favorite line/word from the Einstürzende Neubauten album Tabula Rasa. It translates into The Great Thaw.
Not that we really had anything resembling a winter this year.
Not that we really had anything resembling a winter this year.
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Every Man Has A Weakness
It's something that makes you squirm. Something that hits like a 2"x4" to the base of your skull and tickles your ego into action. It causes fear, pain, regret, thoughtless actions, neuroses, hatred, defensive mechanisms, offensive mechanisms - anything and everything to ease those mental feelings.
It's your worst enemy.
"Is it me who's playing head games with you?"
"You've heard that voice for so long, you believe it to be your best friend."
I haven't met a person yet that won't, at some point in their lives, fight against themselves in their own mind.
"Don't let them do this to you, Jake. Don't let them turn you against you."
"You don't give because it's good. You give because it hurts him."
My periodic re-watching of Revolver always puts me in a very philosophical mood. Damn, that's such a good movie.
It's your worst enemy.
"Is it me who's playing head games with you?"
"You've heard that voice for so long, you believe it to be your best friend."
I haven't met a person yet that won't, at some point in their lives, fight against themselves in their own mind.
"Don't let them do this to you, Jake. Don't let them turn you against you."
"You don't give because it's good. You give because it hurts him."
My periodic re-watching of Revolver always puts me in a very philosophical mood. Damn, that's such a good movie.
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Advice
There's a fine line between coming out of your shell and practicing to be someone you are not. From experience, trying to be someone you're not will ultimately fail and in a most spectacular way. It's more important to remain within your comfort zone but expand that zone to include more and more interaction with others.
The best part for me is that this was not advice that someone else gave, but advice that I have given someone else. I've come a long way in a year's time.
The best part for me is that this was not advice that someone else gave, but advice that I have given someone else. I've come a long way in a year's time.