Madness In My Method

OMG, today is going to be such a good day.

Now, that's saying something coming from me, because of the mood I've been in recently. That's also saying something considering I found out my friend's grandmother passed away yesterday. My heart goes out to him. He's going through the same exact thing I went through two years ago, and that another friend went through about this same time last year with her father's passing. There's a lot of sadness, but also a lot of relief when someone you love no longer has to suffer their illness.

In a way, that's kind of how I feel about today. This week with old friends has been good for me, and the weather change is so much of a relief in and of itself. This summer has been associated with some very bad emotions and remembrances for me. It felt like a trial by fire - almost literally. Fall hitting right now feels like a cooling baptism. I'm definitely in fall cleaning mode. My room's a mess, and my head's been even more of a mess. Time to clean it all out again.

iClean

Oh, and it's Little Bit's b-day, and again they want Mongolian. I hope the owner-dude is there today so the boys can see him.

( For added giggles, image under cut )

( And random hobby talk again... )

FINALLY!!! - and, and, and, Totally much more interesting than what I figured I'd find right off the bat. (I'm still annoyed that this is such a difficult art form to search for. I still don't have a name for it to go by.)

Lastly - WOW - what a fascinating website! Yes, please. That would totally be a wall in a reading room for me.


EDIT: A-fucking-Ha! It's called paperolle or quilling. (That took all morning and lots of round-about winding through side-web-surfings to find.)

( Because I clicked on more links )

I don't feel lonely, and I don't feel like I have a hole in me. I have good friends and family. But I feel separated. I feel like the female character at the beginning of the Of Monsters & Men - Little Talks video. I think she feels separated. She still goes off on adventures with her new-found friends, and she's still just as colorful and vibrant, but there is a sadness. It's not a hole in her, per se, but still it's something that's missing. I wonder if she feels abandoned? There's never a reason given as to why or how her "comet" came to be separated from her, uh, Winged-Bull-Dude. Perhaps it's a moot point. It's simply her reality in that moment. She IS separated and she has to keep moving on.

Tired of things breaking around me.

I feel like having a breakdown.

Probably not going to happen, considering I'm aware of it and would feel stupid having a breakdown right after announcing that I feel like having a breakdown.

Still, I feel like having a breakdown.

Maybe I just need a vacation.

Like two years in Aruba kind of vacation. Yeah. That sounds nice.

That's probably not going to happen either.

At the very least, it would be nice if the merry-go-round in my head would stop spinning for a minute.

I have been taking my combatives and self-defense class for over two years now. There is one major thing that I have learned from this class and from events that have transpired in my life that I truly wish I could impart to every person on the face of this planet.

You have to set your own boundaries and you have to protect yourself from getting hurt.

This was not a lesson that my parents taught me. They were more about teaching me how to be myself, how to feel free to explore unhindered, how to follow my instincts, and how to love. They were some of the best parents in the world. They never thought to teach me how to protect myself, because they were always the protectors.

Until they were no longer the protectors.

I have been hurt in so many ways, because I never knew how to protect myself. I have always been very strong-willed, but will alone is not enough. Without knowing what you want to get out of life, what you want in your own life, and how to set up the necessary boundaries to keep out the things that you don't want, the will alone cannot suffice. "I want to be happy," simply doesn't cut it. Happiness is undefined without understanding what unhappiness is. Everyone knows that they don't want to be unhappy, but where's the boundary between the two? What's to keep the unhappy from slipping in through the back door undetected?

This has also led to an understanding of being honest with myself. If I set a boundary that I cannot defend, then what good is that boundary? What purpose does that boundary serve for me other than to mock me and to give me a false sense of protection until it is breached? What then? What happens to my mindset when that fake border is crossed? How safe do I still feel? How much do I feel in control of my own life? How much have I lied to myself in order to end up in a place where it feels like the world is just spinning around me and I can't seem to get off of the ongoing merry-go-round? How much damage is reaped upon me until I can get back on my feet and start again? How much damage have I caused others? How far do I fall down that rabbit hole before I realize I've fallen at all, and how much climbing do I have to do to get out of it?

Does this line of questions seem familiar to you? I know they were once very, very familiar to me.

I'm not talking about physical threats alone. Physical threats are immediate, obvious, noticeable, and easily identifiable. Verbal and mental threats can be subtle and cunning.

Many people know what physical and verbal threats are, although verbal threats are typically more difficult to detect without practice. Mental threats, however, are the more elusive, yet they are more easily all around us and make up the bulk of the threats we face on a daily basis. They are the temptations. They are the alternate courses our lives can take. They are the various ebbs and flows of the world around us, and if we aren't paying attention we can so readily get caught on a wave that takes our ship way off course.

Understanding what you want in life is what paves the way for a more solid and steady sail. Without that knowledge and without that boundary set up and being defended from the rest of the world, the sail might constantly feel like the perfect storm.

Be honest with yourself. Understand what you want. Figure out what you don't want. Set your boundaries and practice defending them. Then, when you're ready, take the helm, and learn to captain your own ship.

Regarding my All or Nothing post from two days ago, I'm now asking myself, why do people settle?

Is it because they've had too many Nothings and not enough Alls?

Are they afraid that another All won't ever come back around?

"people are who they are all their lives, and so their apologies are nothing but acknowledgements of their shortcomings in a token way, and they mean nothing to me."

There is something about this quote that I really like.

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"i find it's usually quite easy to forgive if you allow time for emotions to fade, then imagine yourself in the other persons position and be a bit lenient. we're all messy humans after all. think of mistakes you've made

doesn't mean you have to be besties with them, but it makes you feel better to not be dwelling on bitter feelings all the time"

It's the "I'm so fucking tired of this shit" sigh at 3:00 that gets me every time.




Also, this video is hilarious.

Something's missing...

I called one of my best friends this evening. I haven't spoken to him in a couple years. He's known me since I was 12 or so. We always pick up where we left off, so not talking for a couple of years is really nothing.

When I mentioned that I've been running off guys because I'm being clingy and a bit desperate, he was shocked. I needed to hear that. It confirmed something that I've been thinking for a little while now. I've lost myself. I've lost my purpose. I'm clinging to things that come into my life even if they don't really mean much to me in the long run. I'm grasping at straws that keep slipping away. But that's not me. At least, that's not who I used to be.

Where did I go?

And how drunk can I get tonight while philosophizing about this?