Learned Independence
Jul. 12th, 2013 01:02 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
trickykittyI have been taking my combatives and self-defense class for over two years now. There is one major thing that I have learned from this class and from events that have transpired in my life that I truly wish I could impart to every person on the face of this planet.
You have to set your own boundaries and you have to protect yourself from getting hurt.
This was not a lesson that my parents taught me. They were more about teaching me how to be myself, how to feel free to explore unhindered, how to follow my instincts, and how to love. They were some of the best parents in the world. They never thought to teach me how to protect myself, because they were always the protectors.
Until they were no longer the protectors.
I have been hurt in so many ways, because I never knew how to protect myself. I have always been very strong-willed, but will alone is not enough. Without knowing what you want to get out of life, what you want in your own life, and how to set up the necessary boundaries to keep out the things that you don't want, the will alone cannot suffice. "I want to be happy," simply doesn't cut it. Happiness is undefined without understanding what unhappiness is. Everyone knows that they don't want to be unhappy, but where's the boundary between the two? What's to keep the unhappy from slipping in through the back door undetected?
This has also led to an understanding of being honest with myself. If I set a boundary that I cannot defend, then what good is that boundary? What purpose does that boundary serve for me other than to mock me and to give me a false sense of protection until it is breached? What then? What happens to my mindset when that fake border is crossed? How safe do I still feel? How much do I feel in control of my own life? How much have I lied to myself in order to end up in a place where it feels like the world is just spinning around me and I can't seem to get off of the ongoing merry-go-round? How much damage is reaped upon me until I can get back on my feet and start again? How much damage have I caused others? How far do I fall down that rabbit hole before I realize I've fallen at all, and how much climbing do I have to do to get out of it?
Does this line of questions seem familiar to you? I know they were once very, very familiar to me.
I'm not talking about physical threats alone. Physical threats are immediate, obvious, noticeable, and easily identifiable. Verbal and mental threats can be subtle and cunning.
Many people know what physical and verbal threats are, although verbal threats are typically more difficult to detect without practice. Mental threats, however, are the more elusive, yet they are more easily all around us and make up the bulk of the threats we face on a daily basis. They are the temptations. They are the alternate courses our lives can take. They are the various ebbs and flows of the world around us, and if we aren't paying attention we can so readily get caught on a wave that takes our ship way off course.
Understanding what you want in life is what paves the way for a more solid and steady sail. Without that knowledge and without that boundary set up and being defended from the rest of the world, the sail might constantly feel like the perfect storm.
Be honest with yourself. Understand what you want. Figure out what you don't want. Set your boundaries and practice defending them. Then, when you're ready, take the helm, and learn to captain your own ship.
You have to set your own boundaries and you have to protect yourself from getting hurt.
This was not a lesson that my parents taught me. They were more about teaching me how to be myself, how to feel free to explore unhindered, how to follow my instincts, and how to love. They were some of the best parents in the world. They never thought to teach me how to protect myself, because they were always the protectors.
Until they were no longer the protectors.
I have been hurt in so many ways, because I never knew how to protect myself. I have always been very strong-willed, but will alone is not enough. Without knowing what you want to get out of life, what you want in your own life, and how to set up the necessary boundaries to keep out the things that you don't want, the will alone cannot suffice. "I want to be happy," simply doesn't cut it. Happiness is undefined without understanding what unhappiness is. Everyone knows that they don't want to be unhappy, but where's the boundary between the two? What's to keep the unhappy from slipping in through the back door undetected?
This has also led to an understanding of being honest with myself. If I set a boundary that I cannot defend, then what good is that boundary? What purpose does that boundary serve for me other than to mock me and to give me a false sense of protection until it is breached? What then? What happens to my mindset when that fake border is crossed? How safe do I still feel? How much do I feel in control of my own life? How much have I lied to myself in order to end up in a place where it feels like the world is just spinning around me and I can't seem to get off of the ongoing merry-go-round? How much damage is reaped upon me until I can get back on my feet and start again? How much damage have I caused others? How far do I fall down that rabbit hole before I realize I've fallen at all, and how much climbing do I have to do to get out of it?
Does this line of questions seem familiar to you? I know they were once very, very familiar to me.
I'm not talking about physical threats alone. Physical threats are immediate, obvious, noticeable, and easily identifiable. Verbal and mental threats can be subtle and cunning.
Many people know what physical and verbal threats are, although verbal threats are typically more difficult to detect without practice. Mental threats, however, are the more elusive, yet they are more easily all around us and make up the bulk of the threats we face on a daily basis. They are the temptations. They are the alternate courses our lives can take. They are the various ebbs and flows of the world around us, and if we aren't paying attention we can so readily get caught on a wave that takes our ship way off course.
Understanding what you want in life is what paves the way for a more solid and steady sail. Without that knowledge and without that boundary set up and being defended from the rest of the world, the sail might constantly feel like the perfect storm.
Be honest with yourself. Understand what you want. Figure out what you don't want. Set your boundaries and practice defending them. Then, when you're ready, take the helm, and learn to captain your own ship.
