Something I Learned

[trickykitty]

I have a pretty tough mental defensive system. Unfortunately, it kicks in with the slightest hint of worry or fear. It blocks out everything and prevents any real meaningful discourse, both towards me and from me. This makes me very closed off to criticism, both constructive and otherwise.

I joke that due to my regular and Chinese zodiac signs, I'm a tough as nails crab on the outside, and if you can manage to get past my defenses, you'll find a fire-breathing dragon underneath. I think the analogy is only partially correct. You see, when you get past the tough outer shell, there is in fact a dragon inside, but it's more like Puff, The Magic Dragon: amazingly friendly to kids, misunderstood by adults, and only interested in using fire to roast marshmallows and crème brûlée tops.

I find that if I finally let my guard down, and stop being so damned defensive, I can think quite clearly. I suddenly feel uber-level-headed and relaxed, which is the complete opposite of what I feel when the defenses are up. I might still come off as odd or strange to someone that doesn't know me very well, and I will be the first to admit that I am quite the odd little duckling.

One of my problems is that I still have quite a lot of social anxiety, so many times those defenses are up even when hanging out with friends, especially large crowds of friends (*cough*Wednight*cough*). The defensive tactic my brain takes is all about controlling the situation, or at least trying to, and I usually fail miserably at this. I would much rather those defenses not come up in the first place, that I just relax and enjoy my time, and that I stop trying so damned hard to be "normal" or "accepted" or whatever else my brain is trying to control at the moment.

Forget self-defense classes. I need a class for mentally un-defensing.


This train of thought, by the way, gave me a great idea. My best friend Bonnie has been sending me info about child self-defense classes over the past year or so. I think it's an interesting idea, but I hadn't really given it a lot of thought. Now that the eldest nephew is back home, I started to realize that something like that would be absolutely perfect for him. He's a "sissy" type boy*, and I know that affects him with the other kids he plays with and goes to school with. He's also getting pretty damned defiant against "adults" already, something that I wasn't expecting until he hit his teens. Of course, the doctors recommend Prozac and more psychiatry for him - a notion that I loathe. I'd rather propose the self-defense classes and/or martial arts classes for him. He's been getting into sports, but I know his natural "sissiness" is only going to aggravate that social environment for him over time.

*I will always condone "sissy" or effeminate behaviors, but I also know the reality of being that kind of person in our society. It's not generally accepted, frowned upon, and makes the child (or adult) a target for others with macho self-esteem issues (read: bullies). I know that my nephew is already facing those kinds of little jerks in his classroom and a couple of the friends he plays with at home. I want him to be able to be himself without having to put up with those other little cocksuckers' shit. Oh, wait, did I just say that out loud?