Entry tags:
Change Of Plans
One of the things I have discovered, and I would give anything to not have discovered it the way that I did, is that I cannot simply make the bad me disappear no matter how much I try. When I think I've managed to lock her up in a cage and walk away is when she does her Houdini act. It's at that point that not only is she out and about wreaking havoc, but my belief that I have her locked away makes me blind to her machinations until it's too late.
The timing of this discovery along with the timing of the chapter that I read this week from Brain Tricks really hit home a message that I spent yesterday evening discussing with a good friend.
"You cannot fight what you cannot see."
[The exact quote is "What you cannot see, you cannot kill," and my friend adopted it from The Golden Voyage of Sinbad at an early age, but I prefer her alternative take on it above as it's more fitting.]
In order for me to accept myself, I have to accept all of myself. The good me and the bad me both exist, and always have. I have to allow my thoughts freedom to exist so that then I can completely see what might be a bad decision before I make it. All the work I've done before was learning how to delineate between those two voices, recognize them for what they are, and put a stop to bad thoughts before they came to fruition. This of course requires me to recognize that they are occurring in the first place. Bad thoughts have more power when I ignore them, and myuncomfortableness* discomfort brings out the Bad Defensive me the more I try to suppress it.
The work I did before helped me to at least recognize when something didn't feel right and I was getting out of sorts and off-balance. This is important, because it's my indicator that I need to take a step back. At the time though, I kept trudging through and trying to work out my feelings with the same people that it was affecting, thereby causing the situation to worsen.
One of the other things that came up during our discussions last night was the recognition that I was trying to balance myself against others around me, rather than balancing myself against myself. I had hit a point before when I felt good, balanced, and right with the world. That was before I started hanging out and dating again. There's still some tweaking to be done to get back and keep to that balance point, but I'm pretty damned confident that I'll get there.
( Excerpts from Ch. 16 in Brain Tricks )
* No wonder why the spell checker kept disliking that word. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate English?
The timing of this discovery along with the timing of the chapter that I read this week from Brain Tricks really hit home a message that I spent yesterday evening discussing with a good friend.
"You cannot fight what you cannot see."
[The exact quote is "What you cannot see, you cannot kill," and my friend adopted it from The Golden Voyage of Sinbad at an early age, but I prefer her alternative take on it above as it's more fitting.]
In order for me to accept myself, I have to accept all of myself. The good me and the bad me both exist, and always have. I have to allow my thoughts freedom to exist so that then I can completely see what might be a bad decision before I make it. All the work I've done before was learning how to delineate between those two voices, recognize them for what they are, and put a stop to bad thoughts before they came to fruition. This of course requires me to recognize that they are occurring in the first place. Bad thoughts have more power when I ignore them, and my
The work I did before helped me to at least recognize when something didn't feel right and I was getting out of sorts and off-balance. This is important, because it's my indicator that I need to take a step back. At the time though, I kept trudging through and trying to work out my feelings with the same people that it was affecting, thereby causing the situation to worsen.
One of the other things that came up during our discussions last night was the recognition that I was trying to balance myself against others around me, rather than balancing myself against myself. I had hit a point before when I felt good, balanced, and right with the world. That was before I started hanging out and dating again. There's still some tweaking to be done to get back and keep to that balance point, but I'm pretty damned confident that I'll get there.
( Excerpts from Ch. 16 in Brain Tricks )
* No wonder why the spell checker kept disliking that word. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate English?