Still Cleaning House

[trickykitty]

It's now been over 7 months since I first started the process of fixing myself.

I can safely say I'm now at the maintenance phase. The most easy to screw up part about making changes is not maintaining those changes after the fact and falling back on old habits.

I manage to get the ego voice to shut the fuck up. It's great. My head is quiet for a little while, and I feel at peace with the world around me. Then a bit later I find the voices have managed to sneak back in. I find myself talking to myself again, so I have to start over. I have to go back to looking in the dark corners, discover what fears are trying to cause me issues, and face them all over again. Over time, this should become the default habit, but right now I can tell that 30+ years of relying on that inner voice is an old habit that is hard to break.

Facing those fears is still difficult; it's not an easy prospect. And, it's repetitive; it's something that I keep having to face over and over again. However, it has gotten easier, and I'm gradually becoming faster at recognizing things that are important to pay attention to. I can see when I'm running close to boundaries, even if I'm not exactly sure what those boundaries are or why I shouldn't cross them. Some are social boundaries, involving how I act and talk with others, and some are internal mental boundaries, thoughts that otherwise get in the way of my happiness. I give it a moment's pause, flip back through my little "words to the wise" note cards I carry around with me, perhaps confer with a trusted friend, re-read sections of the Tao Te Ching, do some journaling - anything and everything to force the issue to the forefront so that I can deal with it.

I'm doing the marathon, damn it.