Class Definitions

[trickykitty]

In object-oriented programming, sub-classes inherit attributes from their parent class(es). A lot of the things I've talked about so far are sub-classes: multiple examples of specific issues that have occurred. The more sub-classes I can identify, the more I start to see the commonality that groups them together and performs the function of a parent class. Being able to identify the parent classes makes getting to the heart of the issues and dealing with them much easier. Instead of having 15 contingencies, I can just think of one general rule that will encapsulate the parent class and therefore cover all of the sub-classes that fall under it.

Summary

Here's a summary look at the sub-classes of issues I have mentioned thus far:

Defiant and [bad versus proper] Defensive Responses
(this includes the Meaning and But... responses)
Noticing Offending or Oppressive Behaviors from others
Perfectionist / Failure
(this includes the projection of perfectionism towards others, which is insulting)
Approval Junkie
Self-Esteem
Jealousy
Lack of Mid-Level Empathy and Emotional Connections

This list is not exhaustive of the issues that I'm working on, but it's the stuff that I've more or less spelled out over the past month or so.

Being defiant, in and of itself, is actually a good trait. I'm not planning on touching it much, but instead just adding aspects to it that make it much more effective (including picking and choosing my battles). The defensive response is, to my understanding, the result of everything else. Being aware of it is satisfactory for halting the behavior as much as possible, but until I can fix the underlying issues, I shouldn't concern myself just yet with building new and proper defensive responses.

Everything else on that list seem to come from three basic parent classes or some combination of those parent classes:

Acceptance of Self / Theory of Mind / Intimidation


Acceptance of Self

Incorporates:
Noticing Offending or Oppressive Behaviors from others
Perfectionist / Failure
Approval Junkie
Self-Esteem
Jealousy

This one has already been spelled out pretty well here and here, but I still have a couple things I can touch on now.

The more I can accept myself, flaws, strengths and all, the more I can diminish the effects of the above sub-class issues. All of the above also include want of material things. I'm still going to be a materialist, but I've been kind of using that as a security blanket more recently. This is not to say that I probably wouldn't have ended up with the same amount of 'stuff' over time, but I have to take a look at my reasoning for some of my purchases within the last couple years. For instance, it's easy to stand still and not look for a permanent residence of my own when I can use the excuse that I don't have the money (because I spent it all on movies, games, other people, etc.). I still value the things I have spent my money on, but my priorities have flown out the window.

I need to consider that failure is just a self-proclaimed derogatory word for making choices that I will later regret. This is not the same as making a mistake that is regrettable. "Be true to yourself and you can't go wrong."

The other new connection is that the more I can accept myself, the more I can stop internalizing when others are behaving in an offensive or oppressive manner. The bully bullies because he has his own issues, not because I am a bad person. I don't always 'deserve' it.


Theory of Mind

Incorporates:
Noticing Offending or Oppressive Behaviors from others
Perfectionist / Failure
(this includes the projection of perfectionism towards others, which is insulting)
Approval Junkie
Jealousy
Lack of Mid-Level Empathy and Emotional Connections

As mentioned above, the noticing of others' behaviors requires accepting that there might be something going on in the other person's mind that is causing it, rather than always internalizing it on myself.

The perfectionist part of this list can be summarized with the Grass Is Not Greener concept combined with the Think First Before Speaking. When I'm projecting my perfectionism, I'm saying the grass is the most perfect shade of green on my side, the grass is burnt brown on your side, and I'm going to show you how to fix it whether you want the advice or not. There is never a question of whether or not the other person intentionally tilled it up so that they could plant a rose garden.

Jealousy, of course, is the complete opposite of the perfectionist. From a theory of mind perspective, I typically do not take into account the struggles, costs, etc. that the other person paid in order to 'get green grass' and therefore it's skewed in my mind. Being jealous also does not allow me to appreciate the value that the object of happiness provides for the other person.

Approval junkie requires understanding that other people have their own motives for giving approval or non-approval. Since those motives don't always match my own, relying solely on the approval of others will most times result in unsatisfactory approval of self. I have to realize that when someone else is disappointed because I didn't do what they wanted me to, it is more a reflection on them than it is on me.

Lack of good empathy, emotional connections, and social communication feels like always being at a masquerade. Building these skills will help me to see the people behind the masks.


Intimidation

All of the above sub-issues involve some level of intimidation. In order for me to be offended, someone else had to have performed an action. However, in order for me to be intimidated, the other person did not have to lift a finger. They MIGHT have lifted a finger, which might cause a level of intimidation, but intimidation itself comes from within.

When I am defiant, I am not intimidated. On the other hand, it is when I am intimidated that I begin to react defensively. When I was only focusing on the act of being offended, I was not capturing all of those times when I have been reacting defensively, like when hanging out with friends. By broadening the description to intimidation, I can see why spending time with a friend that intimidates me in some form or other might be causing me to act defensively.

Working on my Acceptance of Self and Theory of Mind should decrease my level of intimidation. Luckily, just being aware of the fact that I have in the past been easily intimidated will also help to correct itself.

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So, long story short, you people are amazingly intimidating, you know that?

And I am so very happy that I can call you my friends.

Also, Annie Lennox rocks.