Dubious Code

[trickykitty]

I've finally been able to put the strong-willed-yet-weak-minded principle into proper terms that my mind can process more readily.

I am defiant rather than [properly] defensive.

I add 'properly' into that, because I'm realizing there are two types of defenses. My defenses of curling into a hard-shelled roly poly and then whining about it later to curry favor are not sufficient for making the offensive behavior stop and only grate against those with little tolerance for these mannerisms. Being defiant is just as useless in most cases. Being defiant without causing harm means being Gandhi and making oneself into a martyr, usually a dead one. Or being my sister who will easily stand up to my bigoted father without making any true headway - those two can go at each others' throats like none other.

The Indian term meaning "to do no harm" is ahimsa. However, even Indian purists argue back and fourth as to whether self-defense and justifiable war should be omitted or included in this broad concept.

I've tried it the pacifist way, and I can say that it simply doesn't work for me. I don't like war. I don't like violence. That doesn't mean that I don't see a need for it. I've just never had proper training in it, both on a physical or a mental level.

I never properly learned how to deal with offensive or oppressive behaviors from others. It's not naturally ingrained in me (as is the case with my sister), and I never previously felt that I really needed to seek out formal training, until now.

On the mental side of things, trying to formulate good tactics and the habits necessary to make this more of a natural response for me is my goal. Some of this includes a little bit more of the emotional training I talked about earlier. It's important for me to actually be able to detect as quickly as possible when I am being offended. I can't respond to it if I'm ignoring it in the first place. It's been very easy for me to ignore someone's offensive behaviors, and even worse, accept them so that later I could use it to play the victim card. I no longer wish this to be my natural default stance.