Who Programmed Me In Bird Language???

[trickykitty]

WHEN?


Strong-Willed, Weak-Minded

I really have no way of explaining how this apparent contradiction exists. I am the most stubborn yet weak-minded person I know. Yes, those two do exist simultaneously. I will argue with you until I am blue in the face if I think I'm right. I will stand back up when you try to knock me down over and over and over again. Continuously curse at me and call me horrible names, because I'm not the person you want me to be, and I'll just stare at you.

It's strange, though, how I will pick and chose my methods for standing up for myself.

Lift a finger against you when you physically attack me? Be the bad guy that breaks up with you? Raise my voice and tell you to walk your ass out of my life? That requires a level of aggression that is very difficult for me to do - not impossible, just horribly difficult. My default is by all means to let you walk all over me until you get bored, and I have virtually won through sheer power of my will. The problem is that an aggressor doesn't typically get bored until I shut my trap, stop getting back up, and have been pounded physically, mentally, or both into a jello pulp.

What's to be so proud about winning when you still lose?

Amazingly enough, I have gotten better at standing up for myself, but it's only been in such small increments or in such blatantly obvious situations that it's almost imperceptible. There's been a lot of lessons learned from dealing with my abusive exes. I find that I say No a little more often and with a little more umph, but saying it 10 times out of 100 instead of 1 out of 100 is not a huge leap of a change in behavior. Also, oddly enough, I'm more likely to stand up 90% of the time in my work or school environments. I seem to get a comforting level of empowerment there - this is not always a good thing, as it has caused a couple of specific issues while working with friends due to other complications.

There's also the part about actually being a victim that allows the victim mentality to thrive. Shit happens to everyone, and there are times when we all need a little shoulder to cry on or a little ear to bend, but I became addicted to that external validation. There are some friends whose friendship I have more or less abused because of my level to whine, cry, and 'woe is me' for hours on end. Everyone needs a chance to talk things out when bad things happen, but I have learned to prolong that for so long just to get out of it every iota of sympathy for my personal despair that I could. Why fight back when I can use the victim mentality to my advantage later on?

This has been me feeding the victim monster.


Jealousy

There's a reason why this is considered one of the deadly sins. I mean, really, do I have to go into a long exposé on the sorts of problems that emerge from jealousy?

I am a highly jealous person.

I don't know if jealousy begets victim or if it's the other way around, but they both most definitely complement each other in a way that seriously boosts the signal. If I can be jealous of someone else, then I can cry, cry, cry at how horrible my own life is.

I'm not really going to delve too deep in this area, because it's an obvious one, and because it just leads into my next section which discusses my root reason for being jealous in the first place.

Suffice it to say, I need to stop being jealous.


Acceptance of Self

I seem to have lost myself and stopped being accepting of her. I have been my own worst mentally abusive partner.

Yes, I'm quoting Revolver yet again, because it is such a damned fine quote.

There is something about yourself that you don't know. Something that you will deny even exists, until it's too late to do anything about it. It's the only reason you get up in the morning. The only reason you suffer the shitty boss, the blood, the sweat and the tears. This is because you want people to know how good, attractive, generous, funny, wild and clever you really are. Fear or revere me, but please, think I'm special. We share an addiction. We're approval junkies. We're all in it for the slap on the back and the gold watch. The hip-hip-hoo-fuckin' rah. Look at the clever boy with the badge, polishing his trophy. Shine on you crazy diamond, because we're just monkeys wrapped in suits, begging for the approval of others.

There was a time when I didn't have a problem with just being me. I didn't have any problems. I recall growing up healthy, happy, and well-adjusted. I had friends that I played with, activities that occupied my time, parents that encouraged every avenue I ever wanted to travel. I was always the weird, OCD, tom-boy that preferred playing with toy cars, putting together puzzles, playing games, and building things; that's never going to change. I never cared for Barbie or G.I. Joe, nor any other creative/interactive play activity that required socialization skills (hint, hint - it's possible that my lack of empathy stems from birth, but again, philosophy discussion, sushi, let's make a date). I was also a very active child. Give me some roller skates, monkey bars, and a 10-speed bicycle, and I'll figure out how many bones in my body I can break.

There was never a time in my life while growing up that my actions, wants, likes and dislikes depended on what other people were thinking.

Somewhere down the line, I most definitely became an approval junkie. I have wanted everyone else and their dog to approve of me. Maybe later I'll take a bit of time to figure out if I can find the root of this, for I know that it lies somewhere between there and here, but for this immediate moment I'm content with just the realization.

I suddenly cared about the Joneses. I cared about what they thought of me. I cared if they accepted me. I cared about what they had versus what I had. Those people (meaning everyone else outside of me) came into existence, and I wanted to fit in and be a part of whatever it was that they were a part of. This ties back in with what I was saying about being a failure. I stopped caring about what was good enough for me and started caring about what was good enough for them.

I need to work on getting back to accepting myself and building my self-esteem.