Intentionally Vague, But Very Precise
Feb. 1st, 2011 10:35 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
trickykittyI've had to take a pretty hard look at myself recently.
Anyone can say that, and I know I've said it a lot of times before. This time feels differently though. It feels slow, like molasses. It's also something that I know I have been resisting for a very, very long time. No one ever wants to admit that there's something inherently wrong with themselves.
I think the hardest part is getting to the heart of it. I can be shown examples of my behavior. I can be told where I am going wrong. I can even know and feel that I am doing it wrong. It's the actual pinpointing in my mind that little bit of me that doesn't fit that's the hardest part. Reminds me of that scene in the new Tron (not a spoiler) when he's searching for the little bit of damaged programming code*. I know something is wrong, I can see the faulty results, yet I'm so proud of my work that I tend to be defensive when other people point it out. It's easy to set it aside and let it keep on the way it is. It's the broken teapot that's been set up on the highest shelf to be glued back together at a later date.
I have to want the change badly enough. No matter how guilty I feel knowing that it's there, it's just so much easier to ignore it than to fix it when I don't have the proper motivations.
It also really sucks when I come to the conclusion that hurting others has not previously been enough of a motivation. I know where and when I have done wrong and the people that I know I have hurt in the process. The fact that I have so many loving friends who have stuck around knowing these things has me quite dumbfounded. I have gone about yelling and screaming at the universe for allowing bad things to happen to me, when it's usually me causing the bad things in the first place. Instead, the universe gave me a good solid family of both biologicals and friends, and I'm damned lucky that I haven't managed to push them all away.
I found two things recently. I found my motivation, and I found that pinpoint. My body and my brain have been tied up in knots for I don't know how long, and I have a sneaking suspicion this is a major cause of most of it. Now to work on removing it, and maybe then I can start finding a little bit more peace in my life.
*Can anyone savvier than me find an image of that scene for me? I think I'd like to get it printed out for my own benefit.
Anyone can say that, and I know I've said it a lot of times before. This time feels differently though. It feels slow, like molasses. It's also something that I know I have been resisting for a very, very long time. No one ever wants to admit that there's something inherently wrong with themselves.
I think the hardest part is getting to the heart of it. I can be shown examples of my behavior. I can be told where I am going wrong. I can even know and feel that I am doing it wrong. It's the actual pinpointing in my mind that little bit of me that doesn't fit that's the hardest part. Reminds me of that scene in the new Tron (not a spoiler) when he's searching for the little bit of damaged programming code*. I know something is wrong, I can see the faulty results, yet I'm so proud of my work that I tend to be defensive when other people point it out. It's easy to set it aside and let it keep on the way it is. It's the broken teapot that's been set up on the highest shelf to be glued back together at a later date.
I have to want the change badly enough. No matter how guilty I feel knowing that it's there, it's just so much easier to ignore it than to fix it when I don't have the proper motivations.
It also really sucks when I come to the conclusion that hurting others has not previously been enough of a motivation. I know where and when I have done wrong and the people that I know I have hurt in the process. The fact that I have so many loving friends who have stuck around knowing these things has me quite dumbfounded. I have gone about yelling and screaming at the universe for allowing bad things to happen to me, when it's usually me causing the bad things in the first place. Instead, the universe gave me a good solid family of both biologicals and friends, and I'm damned lucky that I haven't managed to push them all away.
I found two things recently. I found my motivation, and I found that pinpoint. My body and my brain have been tied up in knots for I don't know how long, and I have a sneaking suspicion this is a major cause of most of it. Now to work on removing it, and maybe then I can start finding a little bit more peace in my life.
*Can anyone savvier than me find an image of that scene for me? I think I'd like to get it printed out for my own benefit.
