Sad and Moody
Jun. 24th, 2008 09:13 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
trickykittyI'm scared to death of applying to grad schools in the fall. There's always a chance of seeing nothing but rejection letters, but that's really not the part that scares me. It's the moving part. Having to move away from friends and family. Having to move somewhere alone and to have to force myself into a world of classes and research without knowing how I'm going to pay for it. Having to forgo the concept of a typical 8-5 job and plotting and planning for a future boyfriend and wedding and house and family. Yeah, because that's what it feels like to me. It almost feels like having to sell my soul. It feels like having to become even more alone than I feel right now. The sad thing is that while I wouldn't feel quite as alone staying and working some 8-5 dead-end job, I'd still be alone regardless, but at least I'd have friends to keep me company at times.
Yeah, I'm in a mood.
I'm trying to just accept the fact that I should be alone for a while. That my life has been laid out so that I should just focus on school and forget about relationships. In the world of relationships nothing works out for me, and who am I to get into a heavy relationship only to have the looming possibility of moving soon. It's not fair to anyone, myself or them. I'm tired of trying to fight through all the relationship junk just to find out that no one is really interested in a long-term fucking relationship anymore, regardless of any future prospects that I may or may not follow. People today only seem interested in simply a fucking relationship that allows them to get their rocks off without having to pay $50/hr and I'm getting tired of that.
Again, I rue the day when my brain decided that I should be the biggest romantic schmuck in the universe.
Yeah, I'm in a mood.
I'm trying to just accept the fact that I should be alone for a while. That my life has been laid out so that I should just focus on school and forget about relationships. In the world of relationships nothing works out for me, and who am I to get into a heavy relationship only to have the looming possibility of moving soon. It's not fair to anyone, myself or them. I'm tired of trying to fight through all the relationship junk just to find out that no one is really interested in a long-term fucking relationship anymore, regardless of any future prospects that I may or may not follow. People today only seem interested in simply a fucking relationship that allows them to get their rocks off without having to pay $50/hr and I'm getting tired of that.
Again, I rue the day when my brain decided that I should be the biggest romantic schmuck in the universe.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-06-24 03:49 pm (UTC)I applied to where I wanted to go. Got waitlisted at UMD, rejected everywhere else. I finally heard back from them mid-APRIL, and they expected a decision in a week. So I said yes, not realizing that my priorities had changed (dramatically), and not realizing that I wasn't the same person who had made all these grandiose plans.
So up to MD I went, and tried it out. I was *UNHAPPY*. The friends I made up here made it bearable, but only so much. I finally came to the conclusion that this isn't the life I want.
I'm glad I went, I'm glad I checked this out and tried my hand at it. I know that this isn't what I want. So, I'm heading back.
It's ok to go to grad school, and change your mind about it. Consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. And yours is far from small. :D Do what makes you happy. Try that which you think will make you happy. But never do something because you "ought to" or you "need to" or you "should". Do it because it fulfills you and you enjoy it.
Ok, I think I'm done pontificating. If you want to chat about all this, just gimme a call. :D