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State of Me
Mar. 8th, 2018 06:35 amStill holding on precariously to sanity with 2nd job not quite done with layering on the madness. I figure about two more weeks and then I'll start to see the semblance of a regular weekly workload. Maybe. Hopefully.
I'm exhausted. I'm snapping at people and have lost all patience for anything. It's not just the two job thing, although that obviously is an added pressure. It's me thinking about future things. The uncle still in the hospital. The other uncle and aunt that I finally saw for the first time in a few years at the hospital. Dad announcing he'll finally try to retire before the end of this year. Mom always having back pain. I worry about them dying now, and what kind of pressure that will create for me regarding the boys and my sister. The idea of going back to grad school always hangs over my head.
Speaking of the uncle, he's now officially on hospice, although who the hell knows for how long.
( Details )
I'm chalking a good portion of my mental state up to the family side of things. Work stuff is busy, and drama-filled, but otherwise actually helping with my mental state as I knock tasks off of the to-do list. Waiting for someone to die and thinking about others around me dying, on the other hand, is no proper mental state for anyone. It's causing me to become a grumpy bitch, and I'm really not fit for social interactions right now, even though I know good social interactions are typically the cure. I'm just too worried I'll piss people off being bitchy instead of being comforted by their presence. Like I said, I've lost all patience - I'm too tired for that.
The end result is me having a hard time opening my eyes every morning and wandering the world with constant, massive jaw and neck tension. I think I've had some form of a permanent crick in my neck for the past two weeks now. I don't have enough Valium in the cabinet.
I'm exhausted. I'm snapping at people and have lost all patience for anything. It's not just the two job thing, although that obviously is an added pressure. It's me thinking about future things. The uncle still in the hospital. The other uncle and aunt that I finally saw for the first time in a few years at the hospital. Dad announcing he'll finally try to retire before the end of this year. Mom always having back pain. I worry about them dying now, and what kind of pressure that will create for me regarding the boys and my sister. The idea of going back to grad school always hangs over my head.
Speaking of the uncle, he's now officially on hospice, although who the hell knows for how long.
( Details )
I'm chalking a good portion of my mental state up to the family side of things. Work stuff is busy, and drama-filled, but otherwise actually helping with my mental state as I knock tasks off of the to-do list. Waiting for someone to die and thinking about others around me dying, on the other hand, is no proper mental state for anyone. It's causing me to become a grumpy bitch, and I'm really not fit for social interactions right now, even though I know good social interactions are typically the cure. I'm just too worried I'll piss people off being bitchy instead of being comforted by their presence. Like I said, I've lost all patience - I'm too tired for that.
The end result is me having a hard time opening my eyes every morning and wandering the world with constant, massive jaw and neck tension. I think I've had some form of a permanent crick in my neck for the past two weeks now. I don't have enough Valium in the cabinet.
