Shucks

The problem with working for a 24hr emergency plumbing company is that there is no such thing as a OMG Snow and Ice On The Ground! Day. :(

Also, my poor, teeny, tiny window that I have available to me at work is so fogged over all I see is white. I don't even get to see the snow and ice outside. Wah.

However, my nice space heater and the soft glow of my office torchiere lamps makes it feel almost like I'm comfortably perched by a fireplace. So, at least I'm not cold like some of my working compatriots.

Intentionally Vague, But Very Precise

I've had to take a pretty hard look at myself recently.

Anyone can say that, and I know I've said it a lot of times before. This time feels differently though. It feels slow, like molasses. It's also something that I know I have been resisting for a very, very long time. No one ever wants to admit that there's something inherently wrong with themselves.

I think the hardest part is getting to the heart of it. I can be shown examples of my behavior. I can be told where I am going wrong. I can even know and feel that I am doing it wrong. It's the actual pinpointing in my mind that little bit of me that doesn't fit that's the hardest part. Reminds me of that scene in the new Tron (not a spoiler) when he's searching for the little bit of damaged programming code*. I know something is wrong, I can see the faulty results, yet I'm so proud of my work that I tend to be defensive when other people point it out. It's easy to set it aside and let it keep on the way it is. It's the broken teapot that's been set up on the highest shelf to be glued back together at a later date.

I have to want the change badly enough. No matter how guilty I feel knowing that it's there, it's just so much easier to ignore it than to fix it when I don't have the proper motivations.

It also really sucks when I come to the conclusion that hurting others has not previously been enough of a motivation. I know where and when I have done wrong and the people that I know I have hurt in the process. The fact that I have so many loving friends who have stuck around knowing these things has me quite dumbfounded. I have gone about yelling and screaming at the universe for allowing bad things to happen to me, when it's usually me causing the bad things in the first place. Instead, the universe gave me a good solid family of both biologicals and friends, and I'm damned lucky that I haven't managed to push them all away.

I found two things recently. I found my motivation, and I found that pinpoint. My body and my brain have been tied up in knots for I don't know how long, and I have a sneaking suspicion this is a major cause of most of it. Now to work on removing it, and maybe then I can start finding a little bit more peace in my life.

*Can anyone savvier than me find an image of that scene for me? I think I'd like to get it printed out for my own benefit.

Figured it would make an interesting post

[Comment to mobobocita's final meme post.]

I have only ever lived ~7-8 months on my own (meaning without roommates). It was when I moved to Arlington to live "on" campus (was right across the street, but in private housing). My mom was seriously worried that I would hate being alone and not have anyone to talk to.

She was right, but only so much.

I found out that I needed pretty regular company or I would drive myself insane in my own head. However, being able to close my door and block out the rest of the world was at times FANTASTIC! My need for company was easily solved by living in a 6-apartment building filled with nothing but other students and spending many hours on campus in the cognitive psychology lab. I was able to invite people over for lunches and dinners with frequent occurrence (bribing fellow starving students with food was quite easy). Weekly laundry trips to my parents' house meant they never had to miss my happy face, and I got to spend a few hours with the boys without worry.

When I wanted me times, they were already built in. My favorite was turning on the proper lamps to create the right mood*, throwing on some Mozart or Enya, having a nice hot tea or glass of wine, a couple slices of pizza (one frozen pizza could last me 3 meals), and putting together a jigsaw puzzle for the next few hours on my dining room table that I had all to my happy self.

It didn't last forever, as I soon moved smokedamage in shortly after meeting him and we began dating. I had the apartment to myself again after he moved out a few months later, but I didn't keep the apartment for very much longer after that.

That apartment and the first few years of my life were also the only times in which I wasn't also co-habitating with objects of the furry, purring and/or barking sort.

* I'm a HUGE fan of having multiple lamps of all sorts in order to get just the right lighting for my needs. My bedroom right now has one ceiling light and three lamps. I also miss the 3-way lamp that eventually died that we kept in the foyer/living room simply because I ran out of room for it in my bedroom. Back in the apartment I liked to use it for reading or doing sudoku puzzles while sitting in my comfy wingback chair that is still being stored at my parents' place. Man, I need a house. I miss that chair and I seriously miss my piano.