Breakthrough?

[trickykitty]

I think I'm figuring out that it's okay to let someone run off when they need to.

If I've run someone off, that's one thing, and unfortunately I've gotten into the bad habit that any time someone does run off I auto-assume it's because I've screwed up. Then I start the self-doubt downward spiral: I try to fix it, end up making it worse, and causing it to become a self-fulfilling prophecy regardless of their original reason for running off.

I'm beginning to suspect that there's something else going on in this particular instance, especially regarding his statement that, "He wasn't ready for that yet." I don't know if he's actually tried dating someone since his last long-term girlfriend from less than a year ago. It's quite possible he really wasn't ready for that, didn't know how to deal with my advances, and now he's the one who has gone off to burrow. If it's permanent and I'm destined to never hear from him again, then there's nothing I can do about it.

The main difference here is that, while there's a little spot in the back of my mind still trying to blame myself for his going quiet, and yes, I know I may still have nailed the final nail in that coffin, for the first time in a very, very long time, I'm accepting that sometimes people need their space and it may not have anything to actually do with me. For the first time I'm accepting that it's okay to let someone run off for whatever reason without chasing after like a lost puppy or trying to run them over with a bulldozer to keep them from running off. Instead of pestering him to find out why he's gone quiet and bombarding him with my intrusions, I'm actually feeling ... Okay with it. I'm feeling okay that he's gone quiet and that I'm likely never going to hear from him again. I don't like it, and I have a small beef with the rest of the universe in general over this, but I'm not angry at him, nor am I angry at myself. I don't feel guilty for my actions, and I don't, as he put it, hold a grudge against him for going quiet. It's simply not bothering me anymore, and this is a good feeling.

I'm sure there's probably a word or phrase to describe this feeling (or lack of anxiety that I would normally be feeling), but I have no idea what it is.

There's a feeling deep down inside when it comes to OCD that Action X HAS to be done. I HAVE to chase after someone. I HAVE to send an email or a text or whatever. I HAVE to keep my food separated on my plate. I HAVE to make that stack of paper straight. Now, I can't speak for the food or the stacks of paper, but this almost feels like those other feelings, those other HAVE TO feelings, have gone. I'm kind of curious if this is what I would feel like if I were to take medication for my OCD behaviors - except that I'm not on any medication, and so I'm wondering how long this lack of anxiety feeling is going to last.