Nicole (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
trickykitty) wrote2013-04-29 11:49 pm
trickykitty) wrote2013-04-29 11:49 pm
Entry tags:
Re: previous post
I was going to wait before going into the details, but I really need to type this out to hopefully help get it out of my head. I can't sleep, and I have been called in early to work tomorrow, so, I might as well try to clear some of this junk out.
I went to play sand volleyball Friday night with date guy and some of his friends after my class was over. It was fun and a great workout for my legs. Throughout the night date guy was physically flirty with me, including us showing each other a couple of self-defense moves which landed us in the sand and more than a few butt slaps from him (and I'm not talking about gentle butt pats WHILE we were playing volleyball). I had a few beers, and by the end of the night when he walked me to my car, I initiated a goodbye kiss. He stopped me, and said he wasn't ready for that yet. Okay, so he wants to save that for a more serious time - I grok, and that actually sounded pretty good to me - disappointing, but good.
While driving home, though, my embarrassment really got to me. I felt like I had made yet another mistake that was going to push him away before it ever really gets started. I was pretty hard on myself on the drive home and started crying. By the time I got home, I decided not to text him to let him know I had gotten home safe. I took it out on him. Damn it, I was upset, and I felt pretty led on in the moment.
By the next morning, I felt bad. I sent him a text stating that I felt like a fool the night before and it really bothered me on the way home, which was why I didn't send the "I'm home safe" text. He said, nah, he doesn't hold grudges. After that I asked if he was still wanting company (regarding the plans we had made for me to see his horse on Saturday). He wasn't sure, and was sore, and probably would just have a chill day. Cool. I thanked him for the volleyball invite and he stated he was glad I had a good time, smiley emoticon and all.
A bit later I was still generally annoyed and made another bad move (I really wish I had better forward-sight to not do some of the stupid, emotional shit I do). I texted to say, by the way, I wasn't angry with him, I had dealt with a bad dating situation a few months ago in which the guy disappeared on me and I still had left over worries about "doing something wrong" and that's why I was upset, and that I was sorry I took it out on him by not texting when I got home. He never responded.
Sunday I sent a one line text asking how Saturday went for him. Nada.
Today, I sent a text saying hi and asking if he was doing okay. Nada.
So, at this point, I feel like an absolute fool, running off another guy. I don't feel like it was a bad decision to initiate a kiss - I'm pretty sure his friends there could vouch for his level of attentiveness and physical flirting. I still acted like a fool, though, if not with the initiating of the kiss, then definitely with spouting off the next day about how upset I got from his response.
I feel like I've been dished more mixed messages, and I'm the one left feeling bad in the end by them because of my responses to them. I am so damned tired of this happening. Sure, I hope he means it when he says he doesn't hold grudges, and maybe he's just been too busy to respond and/or he's looking for a little space (which at this point I'm not planning on sending any more texts for the foreseeable future). I would like to keep hanging out with him on a platonic level, but I'm back in the same position I was before, wondering if I'll get a second chance at it.
It's the silence that's killing me. I wish he'd just say something, anything. Tell me to give you a few days. Tell me you're sorry for sending mixed messages. Tell me to fuck off, you crazy bitch. Anything would be better than nothing.
Either way, based on my previous experience just a few months ago, I'm not very hopeful at the moment.
Also, there's a fucking mockingbird right outside my open window that is going off doing it's loud-ass singing in the middle of the night. He's been going on for the past 45 minutes, at least, while I've been typing this up. Don't those bastards ever sleep?
Fucking hell, I'm not in a good mood.
I went to play sand volleyball Friday night with date guy and some of his friends after my class was over. It was fun and a great workout for my legs. Throughout the night date guy was physically flirty with me, including us showing each other a couple of self-defense moves which landed us in the sand and more than a few butt slaps from him (and I'm not talking about gentle butt pats WHILE we were playing volleyball). I had a few beers, and by the end of the night when he walked me to my car, I initiated a goodbye kiss. He stopped me, and said he wasn't ready for that yet. Okay, so he wants to save that for a more serious time - I grok, and that actually sounded pretty good to me - disappointing, but good.
While driving home, though, my embarrassment really got to me. I felt like I had made yet another mistake that was going to push him away before it ever really gets started. I was pretty hard on myself on the drive home and started crying. By the time I got home, I decided not to text him to let him know I had gotten home safe. I took it out on him. Damn it, I was upset, and I felt pretty led on in the moment.
By the next morning, I felt bad. I sent him a text stating that I felt like a fool the night before and it really bothered me on the way home, which was why I didn't send the "I'm home safe" text. He said, nah, he doesn't hold grudges. After that I asked if he was still wanting company (regarding the plans we had made for me to see his horse on Saturday). He wasn't sure, and was sore, and probably would just have a chill day. Cool. I thanked him for the volleyball invite and he stated he was glad I had a good time, smiley emoticon and all.
A bit later I was still generally annoyed and made another bad move (I really wish I had better forward-sight to not do some of the stupid, emotional shit I do). I texted to say, by the way, I wasn't angry with him, I had dealt with a bad dating situation a few months ago in which the guy disappeared on me and I still had left over worries about "doing something wrong" and that's why I was upset, and that I was sorry I took it out on him by not texting when I got home. He never responded.
Sunday I sent a one line text asking how Saturday went for him. Nada.
Today, I sent a text saying hi and asking if he was doing okay. Nada.
So, at this point, I feel like an absolute fool, running off another guy. I don't feel like it was a bad decision to initiate a kiss - I'm pretty sure his friends there could vouch for his level of attentiveness and physical flirting. I still acted like a fool, though, if not with the initiating of the kiss, then definitely with spouting off the next day about how upset I got from his response.
I feel like I've been dished more mixed messages, and I'm the one left feeling bad in the end by them because of my responses to them. I am so damned tired of this happening. Sure, I hope he means it when he says he doesn't hold grudges, and maybe he's just been too busy to respond and/or he's looking for a little space (which at this point I'm not planning on sending any more texts for the foreseeable future). I would like to keep hanging out with him on a platonic level, but I'm back in the same position I was before, wondering if I'll get a second chance at it.
It's the silence that's killing me. I wish he'd just say something, anything. Tell me to give you a few days. Tell me you're sorry for sending mixed messages. Tell me to fuck off, you crazy bitch. Anything would be better than nothing.
Either way, based on my previous experience just a few months ago, I'm not very hopeful at the moment.
Also, there's a fucking mockingbird right outside my open window that is going off doing it's loud-ass singing in the middle of the night. He's been going on for the past 45 minutes, at least, while I've been typing this up. Don't those bastards ever sleep?
Fucking hell, I'm not in a good mood.