Re: previous post

[trickykitty]

I was going to wait before going into the details, but I really need to type this out to hopefully help get it out of my head. I can't sleep, and I have been called in early to work tomorrow, so, I might as well try to clear some of this junk out.


I went to play sand volleyball Friday night with date guy and some of his friends after my class was over. It was fun and a great workout for my legs. Throughout the night date guy was physically flirty with me, including us showing each other a couple of self-defense moves which landed us in the sand and more than a few butt slaps from him (and I'm not talking about gentle butt pats WHILE we were playing volleyball). I had a few beers, and by the end of the night when he walked me to my car, I initiated a goodbye kiss. He stopped me, and said he wasn't ready for that yet. Okay, so he wants to save that for a more serious time - I grok, and that actually sounded pretty good to me - disappointing, but good.

While driving home, though, my embarrassment really got to me. I felt like I had made yet another mistake that was going to push him away before it ever really gets started. I was pretty hard on myself on the drive home and started crying. By the time I got home, I decided not to text him to let him know I had gotten home safe. I took it out on him. Damn it, I was upset, and I felt pretty led on in the moment.

By the next morning, I felt bad. I sent him a text stating that I felt like a fool the night before and it really bothered me on the way home, which was why I didn't send the "I'm home safe" text. He said, nah, he doesn't hold grudges. After that I asked if he was still wanting company (regarding the plans we had made for me to see his horse on Saturday). He wasn't sure, and was sore, and probably would just have a chill day. Cool. I thanked him for the volleyball invite and he stated he was glad I had a good time, smiley emoticon and all.

A bit later I was still generally annoyed and made another bad move (I really wish I had better forward-sight to not do some of the stupid, emotional shit I do). I texted to say, by the way, I wasn't angry with him, I had dealt with a bad dating situation a few months ago in which the guy disappeared on me and I still had left over worries about "doing something wrong" and that's why I was upset, and that I was sorry I took it out on him by not texting when I got home. He never responded.

Sunday I sent a one line text asking how Saturday went for him. Nada.

Today, I sent a text saying hi and asking if he was doing okay. Nada.

So, at this point, I feel like an absolute fool, running off another guy. I don't feel like it was a bad decision to initiate a kiss - I'm pretty sure his friends there could vouch for his level of attentiveness and physical flirting. I still acted like a fool, though, if not with the initiating of the kiss, then definitely with spouting off the next day about how upset I got from his response.

I feel like I've been dished more mixed messages, and I'm the one left feeling bad in the end by them because of my responses to them. I am so damned tired of this happening. Sure, I hope he means it when he says he doesn't hold grudges, and maybe he's just been too busy to respond and/or he's looking for a little space (which at this point I'm not planning on sending any more texts for the foreseeable future). I would like to keep hanging out with him on a platonic level, but I'm back in the same position I was before, wondering if I'll get a second chance at it.

It's the silence that's killing me. I wish he'd just say something, anything. Tell me to give you a few days. Tell me you're sorry for sending mixed messages. Tell me to fuck off, you crazy bitch. Anything would be better than nothing.

Either way, based on my previous experience just a few months ago, I'm not very hopeful at the moment.



Also, there's a fucking mockingbird right outside my open window that is going off doing it's loud-ass singing in the middle of the night. He's been going on for the past 45 minutes, at least, while I've been typing this up. Don't those bastards ever sleep?

Fucking hell, I'm not in a good mood.

Comments

[my_window_seat]

Sorry, hun. :( I know what it's like - you worry about what your actions say to someone else; you want to explain them and say what's on your mind - and sometimes that works out, and sometimes it doesn't.

I think we have similar problems - we need to stop explaining and apologizing for ourselves. Trust other people to understand us or not.

I just had a similar situation last week - I took something one way because it was open-ended and there was a lot of room for interpretation. I reacted/acted according to the interpretation that I liked best, while acknowledging hey, this is the way I want to read this, but you may mean this, but what the heck, might as well take the chance and give it a shot.

I didn't get the response I wanted (I got no response). I was all ready to apologize for being me - but this time, I didn't. I let it lay, and shrugged it off. Hurting like a mother-fuck, but leaving it alone. Couple days later, I had reason to touch base - got a nice response back. Back to square one, but it's not a bad square, and I'm good with that.

Point being - this time, I didn't apologize for being me. I was totally all set to - I had it all scripted out in my head, just the way you did - based on "x" in my past, I'm feeling "y", and I just want you to know it's not about you, it's about me, yadda yadda and so on. Subtext: Please like me, even though I'm defective. Please don't hate me for being me.

Unless he specifically asked you to text him when you got home, you didn't owe him an apology. You were upset - but it was upsetting to you and there's nothing wrong with that.

With your follow-up text - again, you were apologizing for being yourself, and again, you don't owe ANYBODY an apology for that. Unless you're being a complete fucking twat (which you most definitely were not) or punching them in the head (...unless you left that part out of the story, I'm assuming you didn't), there's nothing about you that requires excusing.

It's a crap habit. I'm trying to break it myself. The way I'm wired, I don't think I'm "destined" to get what I would really, really like to have. Oh, well. But if I try (because I'm fucking stupid like that and apparently will never learn....) and don't get what I want - fuck it. I'm not giong to apologize for being disappointed.

And neither should you.
You're cool just as you are.

Join me in the fight against our worst enemies - ourselves.
TO ARMS!

P.S. Srsly. Next time you get the urge, if you want, text me instead. I will remind you that you are awesome, you will say "..but I should...!), I will say nooooo you should not - and maybe you will, and maybe you won't. And maybe it will turn out the way you want, and maybe it won't. Either way, if you at least TRY texting me FIRST (or calling - you know that's fine to) - you will get the benefit of getting the awesome shoulder punch. I do not know if you are getting your RDA of Shoulder Punches of Awesome. If not - this should be remedied.

[trickykitty]

He did request I text him when I got home, and I was specifically thinking about it when I did get home, but I chose not to. Just fyi.

[my_window_seat]

Ah. Fair enough.

The rest of my point I won't concede, regardless - if something upsets you, there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

I just reread the timeline, and I still don't think you did anything so egregious that it merits being blown off. Things were going well, you made what, in a sane universe, would be considered a complimentary gesture. It didn't pan out. You were disappointed, and embarrassed, and upset. You burrowed. You felt bad about it the next day. You apologized. Now here's where I go "...?" - if he actually used the word "grudge" over not getting a blanking text the night before, especially given that you explained why - duuuuuude. Red flag. You've got issues - he apparently does as well, because that's a weird word to use in that context. I noticed that and should have pointed that out earlier - I was too busy expounding, tho.

Anyway - I don't think you did anything whoppingly over the top - maybe a smidgeon with the second text - but it's not like you barraged him with TMI. You even waited a couple days before trying to touch base again - gave it some air. That was level-headed. To not respond at all - that's just plain dickish on his part.

Sucks - and it's not like it's a comfort - but at least you found out sooner rather than later.

And the Awesome still stands. As in, you are.

[trickykitty]

No, I think grudge was the right word to use. Most people cherry-coat things. He was saying that he wasn't upset that I made a move that made him uncomfortable or that I didn't send the text. Some people take stuff like that really personal, and sure enough, end up holding a grudge regarding it.