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trickykittyThe more I read of The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships, the more I can understand my own history. There's so many corollaries I can draw in my life based on the examples given in the book.
Right now I'm reconciling in my mind the current Rule #4 that "Honesty is Different than Diplomacy." I can state that this has been the main source of a lot of my problems in the past couple years with dealing with a very large and social group of friends. As I've mentioned previously, I wasn't horribly social growing up, and having just a couple of friends around was sufficient for my happiness. The explosion of the number of people in my social circles in the past few years is something to which I'm very much unaccustomed.
These passages from that section of the book describes amazingly well one of the paths that having black-and-white thinking takes towards creating negative social outcomes.
One of the most frequently-experienced, near universal characteristics inherent in children and adults with ASD (autistic spectrum disorder) is the absolute honest response they will genuinely provide when asked, and even when not asked. Every parent, teacher, SLP, OT, behavior therapist or school administrator who has spent time within the autism community undoubtedly has a story or two about times when a child's utter honesty has resulted in laughter and amusement or hurt feelings and profuse apologies on behalf of the child.
We encourage spectrum children to engage in social situations. We reward them for their attempts at verbal communication. As a society we value honesty and in our attempts to pass along our values to our children, we often teach them, "Honesty is the best policy," or some variation of the timeless axiom, such as, "Always tell the truth." Lurking behind these simple words, however, are a host of variations and exceptions to the rule that wreak havoc in the lives of people with ASD.
Understanding the difference between honesty and diplomacy happens so naturally within the typical person's social development that making a formal distinction through structured teaching is often overlooked in social skills programs for children and adults with ASD. Adults talk about perspective taking and understanding others' emotions and feelings during social interaction, but rarely do they draw a clear enough distinction that makes sense to the younger child with ASD.
-----------------------
Kids with ASD want to excel and be good at what they do. This extends to telling the truth or upholding a rule about honesty that adults may have taught them. In some cases, telling the truth is simply the only thing they know how to do; it becomes a rule that springs forth from their black and white thinking patterns, they have no other choice. The verbal, emotionally-related, interactive child often falls into the role of "truth police" - upholding these rules in absolute fashion, without regard to context or other people's feelings. In their minds, this is a positive quality that should be welcomed and praised by those around them. However, without being able to appreciate how social context affects the rule, the resultant social repercussions to their absolute honesty are anything but positive.
-----------------------
Patricia Rakovic, a speech/language therapist in Rhode Island, has been running a social skills group for boys with Aspergers Syndrome (AS) for several years now within one of the school districts in the state. The students range in age from twelve to fifteen, and the group includes typical peers. In developing material for this chapter of the book, we asked her to query her students on the subject of honesty. As an experiment, she broke the group into AS students and non-AS students and individually asked each group their opinions on the subject of honesty, telling the truth, white lies, etc. Their different reactions demonstrate the disparity that exists between people with AS and their NT (neurotypical) counterparts when it comes to the subject of honesty.
Pat explains:
Wow! I had no idea what would happen when I approached these two groups on the subject of honesty and lying. The group of typical boys immediately latched onto the subject. They all began talking at once, quickly organized who they would lie to and what they would lie about. They even broke into role play as they demonstrated what might happen in different situations. For the most part, they lie to their parents, teachers and other adults about misdeeds. They spoke about white lies and when they would tell them and why. They also talked about not lying about big things such as someone they saw doing drugs. When they mentioned their friends, it was interesting in that they said they would lie to them pretty much about everything - they thought it was pretty funny. They LOVED the exercise and were animated in describing how they can tell if someone is lying by their tone of voice, eye contact, posture, rate of speech, etc.
Contrast their reactions with the same question posed to my group of AS students. They did not respond the same. Many of them were adamant that they never, ever lied. They had rules for themselves: "You never should lie to anyone" and "You should tell the truth." In their minds these rules were absolute; there was no hierarchy to honesty.
They had a very hard time with the concept of a "white lie" and we heard "I'm confused" several times as we tried to explain it. I invited them to play act with me - something we often do in our social skills group - and asked them, "Do I look fat?" and other similar questions. Even in the role-play they were very reluctant to voice something that was not true. Some of this role playing they understood from commercials on television and a few of the students were able to respond appropriately. However, they still had difficulty with accepting the fact that someone would lie, or that it was a socially acceptable behavior based on the context of the situation.
They also didn't seem to understand or be able to discern even the most blatant lying among their peers. There is one student in our mixed group who is a great fabricator of stories, to put it mildly. If a boy said he watched NASCAR on TV, this boy would respond that he built a race car, and was in a race, the car exploded but he still won the race. If the kids are talking about going to the school dance, the boy will say he's playing in the band (mind you, the school dance doesn't have a band). The boy's classmates are quick to recognize his stories and call him on his blatant lying; the students with AS are not. They don't seem to realize he is lying, even when he is directly questioned by the staff. Example: when we were talking about the school dance, I asked the boys if there was a band at the dance. Although they said no, they still didn't "get it" that the boy was lying about being in the band.
While talking about honesty and lying was noticeably stressful for the students with AS, the only situation in which they seemed not to be as upset about lying was if their parents asked them what was happening between them and their sibling (e.g., "No mom, it wasn't me.").
What was most startling to those of us who run this social skills group was the emotional toll just talking about the subject of honesty and lying had taken on the AS boys. One boy related he had, at one time, lied about going outside to play because he wanted to look for his cat. His face crumpled and the color drained from it before my eyes. I thought perhaps the cat had been run over, but the overt uneasiness was his reaction to having lied, as when I asked about the cat, he said it had been under the bed all the time. The student then collapsed into tears about the incident and lying. Another boy related that in the first grade (remember, these kids are teenagers now) students would get stickers for reading books. He hated to read books so he would say he read them when he had not. No sooner did the words leave his mouth then he put his head down and began to wail. The group discussion quickly dissolved with the students saying they had had enough of the topic. Another AS student insisted that lying would never, ever be talked about in group again.
------/Pat's quote
Telling the truth is an "easier" response, from a social perspective, than is being diplomatic, which involves putting the response in context, judging the perspective of the other person, looking for nonverbal clues about the person's motive, etc. This type of mental processing is difficult for the ASD child and it often takes time for him to sort through all the pieces to develop a socially-appropriate response, even when his perspective taking abilities are good. In most cases in social interaction, replies are expected quickly, so out pops the truth or the child remains silent. [it doesn't help that taking time to formulate a response is seen as a sign of deceit or even weakness by NTs]
As children grow into adulthood, the people around them often misinterpret their naiveté or gullible nature with being stupid [or intentionally mean or manipulative, as I've discovered]. Many HFA/Aspie (high-functioning autism) adolescents and adults are very intelligent yet shy away from social interaction because they lack the ability to perceive others' motives or they recognize the social environment is just too complex for them to decipher. They know their behaviors are looked upon as odd by others; they just can't figure out why and what to do about it. Rather than lie or risk looking weirder than they already feel, they may remain silent in a situation. Others will venture beyond their comfort zone in an attempt to gather information that can help them better analyze the social situation. If their problem-solving skills are adequate, the return can be worth the risk, or it can backfire just as easily.
I have risked going beyond my comfort zone simply in an attempt to be social, without accepting that I was putting myself in uncomfortable situations which were causing me to act in ways that were seriously backfiring. Not only that, but I eventually found myself surrounded by a couple of people who were telling me that I was acting and saying mean things intentionally, and when I took a moment to reason out the validity of their claims I believed them. That's not to say that I am incapable of being a mean, angry, or spiteful person - everyone's capable of that - but it was a step backwards having to unravel which things I have done intentionally and which things I hadn't but believed that I had.
This section of the book flat out encourages holding your tongue or at worst telling "white lies." The hardest part is the Theory of Mind required in order to understand how and when such interactions are appropriate. That's not so easy for some people who haven't had much practice with it.
Right now I'm reconciling in my mind the current Rule #4 that "Honesty is Different than Diplomacy." I can state that this has been the main source of a lot of my problems in the past couple years with dealing with a very large and social group of friends. As I've mentioned previously, I wasn't horribly social growing up, and having just a couple of friends around was sufficient for my happiness. The explosion of the number of people in my social circles in the past few years is something to which I'm very much unaccustomed.
These passages from that section of the book describes amazingly well one of the paths that having black-and-white thinking takes towards creating negative social outcomes.
One of the most frequently-experienced, near universal characteristics inherent in children and adults with ASD (autistic spectrum disorder) is the absolute honest response they will genuinely provide when asked, and even when not asked. Every parent, teacher, SLP, OT, behavior therapist or school administrator who has spent time within the autism community undoubtedly has a story or two about times when a child's utter honesty has resulted in laughter and amusement or hurt feelings and profuse apologies on behalf of the child.
We encourage spectrum children to engage in social situations. We reward them for their attempts at verbal communication. As a society we value honesty and in our attempts to pass along our values to our children, we often teach them, "Honesty is the best policy," or some variation of the timeless axiom, such as, "Always tell the truth." Lurking behind these simple words, however, are a host of variations and exceptions to the rule that wreak havoc in the lives of people with ASD.
Understanding the difference between honesty and diplomacy happens so naturally within the typical person's social development that making a formal distinction through structured teaching is often overlooked in social skills programs for children and adults with ASD. Adults talk about perspective taking and understanding others' emotions and feelings during social interaction, but rarely do they draw a clear enough distinction that makes sense to the younger child with ASD.
-----------------------
Kids with ASD want to excel and be good at what they do. This extends to telling the truth or upholding a rule about honesty that adults may have taught them. In some cases, telling the truth is simply the only thing they know how to do; it becomes a rule that springs forth from their black and white thinking patterns, they have no other choice. The verbal, emotionally-related, interactive child often falls into the role of "truth police" - upholding these rules in absolute fashion, without regard to context or other people's feelings. In their minds, this is a positive quality that should be welcomed and praised by those around them. However, without being able to appreciate how social context affects the rule, the resultant social repercussions to their absolute honesty are anything but positive.
-----------------------
Patricia Rakovic, a speech/language therapist in Rhode Island, has been running a social skills group for boys with Aspergers Syndrome (AS) for several years now within one of the school districts in the state. The students range in age from twelve to fifteen, and the group includes typical peers. In developing material for this chapter of the book, we asked her to query her students on the subject of honesty. As an experiment, she broke the group into AS students and non-AS students and individually asked each group their opinions on the subject of honesty, telling the truth, white lies, etc. Their different reactions demonstrate the disparity that exists between people with AS and their NT (neurotypical) counterparts when it comes to the subject of honesty.
Pat explains:
Wow! I had no idea what would happen when I approached these two groups on the subject of honesty and lying. The group of typical boys immediately latched onto the subject. They all began talking at once, quickly organized who they would lie to and what they would lie about. They even broke into role play as they demonstrated what might happen in different situations. For the most part, they lie to their parents, teachers and other adults about misdeeds. They spoke about white lies and when they would tell them and why. They also talked about not lying about big things such as someone they saw doing drugs. When they mentioned their friends, it was interesting in that they said they would lie to them pretty much about everything - they thought it was pretty funny. They LOVED the exercise and were animated in describing how they can tell if someone is lying by their tone of voice, eye contact, posture, rate of speech, etc.
Contrast their reactions with the same question posed to my group of AS students. They did not respond the same. Many of them were adamant that they never, ever lied. They had rules for themselves: "You never should lie to anyone" and "You should tell the truth." In their minds these rules were absolute; there was no hierarchy to honesty.
They had a very hard time with the concept of a "white lie" and we heard "I'm confused" several times as we tried to explain it. I invited them to play act with me - something we often do in our social skills group - and asked them, "Do I look fat?" and other similar questions. Even in the role-play they were very reluctant to voice something that was not true. Some of this role playing they understood from commercials on television and a few of the students were able to respond appropriately. However, they still had difficulty with accepting the fact that someone would lie, or that it was a socially acceptable behavior based on the context of the situation.
They also didn't seem to understand or be able to discern even the most blatant lying among their peers. There is one student in our mixed group who is a great fabricator of stories, to put it mildly. If a boy said he watched NASCAR on TV, this boy would respond that he built a race car, and was in a race, the car exploded but he still won the race. If the kids are talking about going to the school dance, the boy will say he's playing in the band (mind you, the school dance doesn't have a band). The boy's classmates are quick to recognize his stories and call him on his blatant lying; the students with AS are not. They don't seem to realize he is lying, even when he is directly questioned by the staff. Example: when we were talking about the school dance, I asked the boys if there was a band at the dance. Although they said no, they still didn't "get it" that the boy was lying about being in the band.
While talking about honesty and lying was noticeably stressful for the students with AS, the only situation in which they seemed not to be as upset about lying was if their parents asked them what was happening between them and their sibling (e.g., "No mom, it wasn't me.").
What was most startling to those of us who run this social skills group was the emotional toll just talking about the subject of honesty and lying had taken on the AS boys. One boy related he had, at one time, lied about going outside to play because he wanted to look for his cat. His face crumpled and the color drained from it before my eyes. I thought perhaps the cat had been run over, but the overt uneasiness was his reaction to having lied, as when I asked about the cat, he said it had been under the bed all the time. The student then collapsed into tears about the incident and lying. Another boy related that in the first grade (remember, these kids are teenagers now) students would get stickers for reading books. He hated to read books so he would say he read them when he had not. No sooner did the words leave his mouth then he put his head down and began to wail. The group discussion quickly dissolved with the students saying they had had enough of the topic. Another AS student insisted that lying would never, ever be talked about in group again.
------/Pat's quote
Telling the truth is an "easier" response, from a social perspective, than is being diplomatic, which involves putting the response in context, judging the perspective of the other person, looking for nonverbal clues about the person's motive, etc. This type of mental processing is difficult for the ASD child and it often takes time for him to sort through all the pieces to develop a socially-appropriate response, even when his perspective taking abilities are good. In most cases in social interaction, replies are expected quickly, so out pops the truth or the child remains silent. [it doesn't help that taking time to formulate a response is seen as a sign of deceit or even weakness by NTs]
As children grow into adulthood, the people around them often misinterpret their naiveté or gullible nature with being stupid [or intentionally mean or manipulative, as I've discovered]. Many HFA/Aspie (high-functioning autism) adolescents and adults are very intelligent yet shy away from social interaction because they lack the ability to perceive others' motives or they recognize the social environment is just too complex for them to decipher. They know their behaviors are looked upon as odd by others; they just can't figure out why and what to do about it. Rather than lie or risk looking weirder than they already feel, they may remain silent in a situation. Others will venture beyond their comfort zone in an attempt to gather information that can help them better analyze the social situation. If their problem-solving skills are adequate, the return can be worth the risk, or it can backfire just as easily.
I have risked going beyond my comfort zone simply in an attempt to be social, without accepting that I was putting myself in uncomfortable situations which were causing me to act in ways that were seriously backfiring. Not only that, but I eventually found myself surrounded by a couple of people who were telling me that I was acting and saying mean things intentionally, and when I took a moment to reason out the validity of their claims I believed them. That's not to say that I am incapable of being a mean, angry, or spiteful person - everyone's capable of that - but it was a step backwards having to unravel which things I have done intentionally and which things I hadn't but believed that I had.
This section of the book flat out encourages holding your tongue or at worst telling "white lies." The hardest part is the Theory of Mind required in order to understand how and when such interactions are appropriate. That's not so easy for some people who haven't had much practice with it.
