What's On Your Mind?
Jul. 5th, 2011 08:44 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
trickykitty
I appear to go expressionless quite often, and this upsets the chi of certain people.
Some people are thought to be angry or grumpy when all they are is tired and nonchalant and have a dour countenance. Mine, however, isn't a misread. I'm actually asked, "Is everything okay? You're expressionless." It bugs people when they can't tell what I'm thinking or feeling - they simply don't know how to correctly interpret this flat look on my face. The thing is, I don't understand the question being asked in that moment. I'm like Spock staring at the computer after it asks, "How do you feel?"
I tend to mumble out a quizzical, "Fine.?," but this never satisfies the other person. Numerous times Eileen has jumped in explaining that I'm just doing that 'expressionless thing' again, and to stop reading into it. They don't want an answer: They want me to magically change into a readable expression, and when I don't they remain just as confused and bothered.
I'm not thinking or feeling anything - hence the deadpan look to begin with. Because I can't see myself, I have no clue that I have Utter Lack of Emotional Content written on my face until someone mentions it. When I get asked, it's like feeling a minor shock from an AED machine in my mind. It causes a mental stir in which all I'm thinking is, "What AM I thinking about? How AM I feeling?" This becomes a horrible meta-self-evaluation echo chamber that is similar enough to an epileptic signal firing in the brain that it's no wonder I become puzzled and look like I've gone into an absence seizure. (Read: expressionless AND confused, as though somehow those two can simultaneously exist)
It frustrates me, because I feel like I'm having to educate those around me on what I think is the simplest state of human existence - just being fine; just being present; just BEING. How can someone else not understand this?
Some people are thought to be angry or grumpy when all they are is tired and nonchalant and have a dour countenance. Mine, however, isn't a misread. I'm actually asked, "Is everything okay? You're expressionless." It bugs people when they can't tell what I'm thinking or feeling - they simply don't know how to correctly interpret this flat look on my face. The thing is, I don't understand the question being asked in that moment. I'm like Spock staring at the computer after it asks, "How do you feel?"
I tend to mumble out a quizzical, "Fine.?," but this never satisfies the other person. Numerous times Eileen has jumped in explaining that I'm just doing that 'expressionless thing' again, and to stop reading into it. They don't want an answer: They want me to magically change into a readable expression, and when I don't they remain just as confused and bothered.
I'm not thinking or feeling anything - hence the deadpan look to begin with. Because I can't see myself, I have no clue that I have Utter Lack of Emotional Content written on my face until someone mentions it. When I get asked, it's like feeling a minor shock from an AED machine in my mind. It causes a mental stir in which all I'm thinking is, "What AM I thinking about? How AM I feeling?" This becomes a horrible meta-self-evaluation echo chamber that is similar enough to an epileptic signal firing in the brain that it's no wonder I become puzzled and look like I've gone into an absence seizure. (Read: expressionless AND confused, as though somehow those two can simultaneously exist)
It frustrates me, because I feel like I'm having to educate those around me on what I think is the simplest state of human existence - just being fine; just being present; just BEING. How can someone else not understand this?
