What Programming Language Is This?

[trickykitty]

"If it's never our fault, we can't take responsibility for it. If we can't take responsibility for it, we'll always be its victim."
- Richard Bach


HOW?

I've sort of been harping on the defensive mechanism ingrained into my brain. There's a reason for this. It is the wall that has been shielding me from the truth of myself.

Remember the "But..." in a previous post?

"Yes, I have been doing these awful things that you are pointing out to me, BUT I have justifications, and therefore I am absolved."

The "but" is the HOW mechanism. It is how I have been going about being someone that seems to wreak havoc in my midst, all the while allowing blame to freely flow off my back like water off a duck.


WHY?

This section took a lot of soul-searching and angst:

I'm a perfectionist, and I believe myself to be a failure.

For a while I was on a roll. Graduated high school ok. Went off to college ok. Had no end of boyfriends ok. The issues that sparked the turning off of the emotions problem came much earlier. The victim mentality came later. There was no specific incident that can be pin pointed as the cause. It was more of an emergent behavior.

It came from years of hearing my family wonder about when I'm going to become that perfect wife and mother, when I'm going to become Miss America, when I'm going to be on the cover of Popular Science, etc. ad nauseam. I don't blame them (any more) for wanting to see me succeed. I was always the skinny one, the smart one, the talented one. It wasn't until I watched this scene in Good Will Hunting that I could understand what they were saying. They may not be saying it so strongly, but that's essentially what they are saying, so I no longer blame them for making me feel like a failure. For a while there, though, it was easy to put the blame on them.

The problem was I couldn't bear to blame myself either. I still pushed through, a little here, a little there. I still graduated with my BS in A.I. Research and Development, but I still felt like a failure. I was slated to graduate in 3 years at the age of 20, but instead it took 12. I felt like I had never finished anything in my life. Most of my hobbies had fallen by the wayside. The older I got the more friends and family members I found married off and raising children of their own and buying their own homes.

Over time, I just became despondent.

I blamed the universe for how nothing had gone right in my life. I never could accept the blame myself. I never could accept that it was my own weak-willed mind that kept me in bad relationships, stunted my school and work progress, and hindered my life's path overall. Every one and every thing else around me was to blame.

Hence the victim mentality.


I'm Tired

My emotional issues, social awkwardness and victim mentality have swirled up together in a whirlwind of BAD. My soul is just so absolutely exhausted by it all. I am tired of these continued mistakes. I am tired of wearing down my friends. I am tired of the hurt and pain that I keep causing.

If I haven't somehow slighted you over the years, then you either haven't been able to hang out long enough with me, or you might have just been one of the lucky ones. You most likely have forgiven me and moved on, unaware of how many forgivings I have received and the wake pattern my cutting bow has left behind.

Don't worry. I promise I am not being too hard on myself, nor am I being too light. This is painful and difficult, and I consider it the price that I have to pay to make things better.