trickykitty | Human-Code Lines 57-78

Meaning

"But I didn't meaaaan it like that!"

My familiarity with this sentence is extensive.

So here's the line of thoughts that previously permeated my brain meats when this statement has been uttered:

X - Statement made by me
Y - negative response from Person(s) of interest
[note that the response can be instantaneous or much later after the fact - all that matters is when it is brought to my attention]
Z - uh oh, shit, I just upset someone - begin Massive Defensive and Counter-Aggressive Backtracking in 3...2...
Oh, I'm sorry* but, but, but, ... I didn't MEAN it like that...
You are misunderstanding me / mishearing me / misinterpreting me.
Here, let me tell you my defensive and completely logical reasoning why you are wrong to be upset, and I am the ever-righteous person you have wronged by being upset. After all, it is absolutely irrelevant how you took my words. All that really matters is how much I can gain control of this spiraling-out-of-hand situation, and what it's going to take to convince you of how my words were actually meant to be taken. I am going to brow beat you until you submit to my will of meaning, accept my apology, feel like shit because how dare you even take my words the wrong way to begin with, and place me on a high pedestal to be revered. By the end of this, you must feel so horribly bad for ever preposterously assuming I could possibly have been just a dumb idiot. Pleasure doing business with ya. Now let's move along to that next bumbling mistake that I'm going to make.

Show of hands - who sees the problem with this line of reasoning? The issue for me is that, previously, I wouldn't have raised my hand - this HAS BEEN me. The argument is logically sound, and so I never questioned the rightfulness of it. Keep in mind from my previous post that I have been treating interactions with people on a purely logical/logistical level, sans emotions. However, the kind of problems this particular error causes are not logical problems. They are social and emotional problems, and that's the point I've been missing. I wasn't intentionally trying to cause problems - I just never acknowledged their existence.

This kind of reasoning hurts other people's feelings, and that's what I'm trying to get through my thick skull.

Now don't get me wrong. I know that situations will come up where it's perfectly appropriate to say, "Oh man. Uh, yeah, I didn't mean it like that - I'm sorry." I know that no one is perfect and no one gets this right 24/7. The difference is that those apologies by others carry weight, whereas mine have been hollow buckets of self-righteousness.

The most important part for me is coming to grips with how others might take my words before they are ever even spoken, and then not going into that defiant defensive stance the moment I get called out on it. This is so much easier said than done, especially the defensive stance part.

So, here's the ways I've been working recently on dealing with this issue - the re-wiring.

First off, everyone has that little voice in the back of their head that yells out, "Hey, dumbass, this is a BAD idea." Before, I would ask that little voice, "Oh yeah....Why?" That voice didn't have a response so I took it as an indication that it was ok to proceed. Now that voice has a response: Because it might be interpreted by someone in a different way. Because it might upset someone. Because you are being moody and not thinking about what you are saying. Etc.

The moral here: Think before I speak.

Yes, really. I am having to re-wire my brain for some of the most basic of human interaction rules. There could be a level of humiliation inherent in all of this, particularly in posting about it publicly, but I think I got over that 5 minutes ago. Besides, which is more humiliating - publicly re-wiring my brain for correct future interactions or pissing everyone I know off by continuing down the wrong path?

The second half of this equation is the defensive part. I am beginning to think I must be the most defensive person on the face of the planet, and the one thing that needs to happen here is for me to get over it.

* But...

When I am being mentally defensive, I am dealing with a slew of emotions, with fear of rejection probably being the top one. It is this defensive nature that causes me to attack back rather than just apologize and move on. In this scenario, it is everything that is the "but...." and beyond.

I have known of the verbal trick to say something along the lines of, "I don't mean to be [rude], but...". As Anthony pointed out to me, it's also known in writing and scripts as to "hang a lantern on it". (This is a phrase that I had never heard, and I'm probably going to obsess over pointing these out when I see them now, damn it.) There are times when it can be appropriate and times when it is not. In my case, it's very much not appropriate.

The moment "but..." is uttered I have started up the turrets and locked onto my target. Everything that comes after that is just defensive drivel meant to sway opinion, but ultimately it just causes problems.

Now, Eileen has been seriously helping me to focus on one particular "but..." example, and it's to stop saying, "I'm sorry, but..." The interesting thing about the "...but I didn't mean it like that" scenario is that it's the exact same thing. For a couple years now I've been working specifically on the apology example, without ever extrapolating it to any other examples. I have a feeling that I will be able to easily translate this one aspect that I've been working on for a while now, and that I think I'm finally turning into a default response.

As I mentioned above, it all starts with thinking before I speak so as to minimize the occurrence of having to say sorry in the first place, but having both of these concepts under my belt will help.