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Hoping I Might Forget
Jul. 17th, 2013 07:10 amThere was once a time when all I could think about while listening to OK Go's Needing/Getting was someone else sitting around waiting for me to change. Now I'm sitting here listening to it and thinking about someone else needing to change.
I made a lot of changes within myself over the past two and a half years. It was a rough ride, but worth it. I can now grasp what it must have felt like to travel by wagon cross-country in order to start a new life. Yeah, I've seen movies and such, one of which is an all-time favorite of mine called Westward The Women, so I could easily picture what they went through, but understanding what they felt is something different for me. It's scary. Really scary. Leaving everything you know, leaving the comfort of your home, to travel into unknown territory far from home in the hopes that what you find when you get there will be better.
It was so much easier to burrow further down into my cocoon rather than face what needed to be faced. Before starting down this path I thought I was facing things, but all I was doing was trading one scapegoat for another. Those were the times when I tried to change in the past but was "busy busting my bollocks round the wrong way" (I <3 Gordon Ramsay). That was much more common than I realized until I actually started down the correct path. That correct path felt so different, and so scary. I could start to tell when I was grasping at straws for once, or trying to side track myself with ... well ... side tracks. :/ Those old familiar comforts, little slides back into the cocoon world, were all over the place. But once you start to travel down the right path, it's as though it's a magnet always pulling you back to it, no matter how much you try to stray. That rough, scary unknown path actually starts to feel more comfortable than the cocoon. The cocoon begins to feel slimy and gross. It always was, but I couldn't recognize it as such.
No, there ain't much that's dumber than pinning your hopes on a change in another, and it ain't real forgiving picturing someone else living, so I'm not gonna do those things. "Keep on keeping on" has become a recent favorite phrase of mine for some reason. It's fitting. I wonder where I picked it up from, but I can't recall off the top of my head. I also re-watched the ending of Cast Away recently to remind myself that the next step is always to breathe one more breath, and live one more day, because the sun WILL rise, and you never know what the tide may bring.
I made a lot of changes within myself over the past two and a half years. It was a rough ride, but worth it. I can now grasp what it must have felt like to travel by wagon cross-country in order to start a new life. Yeah, I've seen movies and such, one of which is an all-time favorite of mine called Westward The Women, so I could easily picture what they went through, but understanding what they felt is something different for me. It's scary. Really scary. Leaving everything you know, leaving the comfort of your home, to travel into unknown territory far from home in the hopes that what you find when you get there will be better.
It was so much easier to burrow further down into my cocoon rather than face what needed to be faced. Before starting down this path I thought I was facing things, but all I was doing was trading one scapegoat for another. Those were the times when I tried to change in the past but was "busy busting my bollocks round the wrong way" (I <3 Gordon Ramsay). That was much more common than I realized until I actually started down the correct path. That correct path felt so different, and so scary. I could start to tell when I was grasping at straws for once, or trying to side track myself with ... well ... side tracks. :/ Those old familiar comforts, little slides back into the cocoon world, were all over the place. But once you start to travel down the right path, it's as though it's a magnet always pulling you back to it, no matter how much you try to stray. That rough, scary unknown path actually starts to feel more comfortable than the cocoon. The cocoon begins to feel slimy and gross. It always was, but I couldn't recognize it as such.
No, there ain't much that's dumber than pinning your hopes on a change in another, and it ain't real forgiving picturing someone else living, so I'm not gonna do those things. "Keep on keeping on" has become a recent favorite phrase of mine for some reason. It's fitting. I wonder where I picked it up from, but I can't recall off the top of my head. I also re-watched the ending of Cast Away recently to remind myself that the next step is always to breathe one more breath, and live one more day, because the sun WILL rise, and you never know what the tide may bring.
