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I know I'm not alone in this.
Sep. 1st, 2011 11:36 amIt's sad how easily telling myself I am a bad person or I will do something horrible will cause a chain reaction that almost guarantees a self-fulfilling prophecy. One negative thought, and I start spiraling downward even when I was doing just fine before the thought. One negative thought turns into one negative action, which turns into two more negative thoughts, and so on, until my head is so far entrenched in negativity and fear that I feel like I'm drowning, and I'm dragging everyone around me with me. It's exponential when someone else notices I'm doing this. I try to hide it, and if it comes out into the open, or even worse, when I bring it out into the open thinking that somehow doing so will help, oh hell no; that's when everything get's ramped up even more.
My thoughts have been revolving around my fears and the worst that could happen. It doesn't help when I have a voice telling me to give it up, throw in the towel, accept that I'm permanently damaged. I thought I got away from that voice, but it keeps haunting me.
Why do I self-sabotage so easily? Why can't I just be happy when I'm happy and leave well enough alone? Why must that negative thought ever strike?
I'm trying to balance out the middle ground. I'm trying to accept that no, I'm not a perfect person, but I'm not a bad person either. Being a perfectionist and having to face my imperfect self is probably one of my worst fears. I don't know how to stop being a perfectionist. I wish I did. Maybe then I could accept my imperfect self, and I could accept imperfect happiness. Life is not a fucking fairy tale.
I'm ranting. I know I'm ranting. I need to rant about this every once in a while. It's the only way I can fight off the alternative, which is giving in to that voice, heaping myself with hopeless thoughts, and falling prey to a puddle of self-pity.
Dear lord, how do I make that sabotaging, vindictive, torturous voice STFU already?
My thoughts have been revolving around my fears and the worst that could happen. It doesn't help when I have a voice telling me to give it up, throw in the towel, accept that I'm permanently damaged. I thought I got away from that voice, but it keeps haunting me.
Why do I self-sabotage so easily? Why can't I just be happy when I'm happy and leave well enough alone? Why must that negative thought ever strike?
I'm trying to balance out the middle ground. I'm trying to accept that no, I'm not a perfect person, but I'm not a bad person either. Being a perfectionist and having to face my imperfect self is probably one of my worst fears. I don't know how to stop being a perfectionist. I wish I did. Maybe then I could accept my imperfect self, and I could accept imperfect happiness. Life is not a fucking fairy tale.
I'm ranting. I know I'm ranting. I need to rant about this every once in a while. It's the only way I can fight off the alternative, which is giving in to that voice, heaping myself with hopeless thoughts, and falling prey to a puddle of self-pity.
Dear lord, how do I make that sabotaging, vindictive, torturous voice STFU already?
