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The State of Me
Jan. 12th, 2014 02:34 amI still can't stop crying.
A little over a year has taught me that I can't trust someone who shows even the slightest interest in me. Two guys and three dates each equals *POOF*. One time is an offshoot. Twice is a coincidence. And the third - knowledge of finding out someone who professed to care for me could decide to just up and turn around and walk away and never communicate with me did me in.
I'm smart enough to know that I'm still in mourning and perhaps in a bit of post-traumatic stress. I'm smart enough to know that this isn't all there is.
But some nights....
I've lost the ability to trust. I don't trust anyone to get close to me, even just a little. I'm culling friends lists so I don't have to think about which people are or aren't my friends. My friends are the ones that communicate with me - that I know for sure. They're the ones that every so often actually want to come into my world and hang out here for a while.
I'm grateful for my roommates and friends. I don't talk about this with them, but I know they're around and they help to keep me sane, even if they don't know it.
I remember back when I had counseling for an issue in my past, and how dealing with that issue and the PTSD that resulted caused me to think about it every single fucking day without fail for the next few years. That's a really, REALLY long time to have something gnawing at your skull day after day after day. Nothing I could do could stop the thinking. No distraction in the world made it go away. It wasn't until one day my mind could come to terms with it that it finally vanished, and now I only think about it when I choose to.
I was at that point last spring, when I finally decided to set foot back into the garage to finish building the bar. I was finally ready to move on and let go of thoughts that had been plaguing me, and now I'm right back where I started.
So, here's to another year of sitting around biding my time and filling it up with whatever I can to try to distract myself from these thoughts waiting for this to pass yet again, and for random posts about me dealing with shit I thought I was over and done with.
Hooray.
A little over a year has taught me that I can't trust someone who shows even the slightest interest in me. Two guys and three dates each equals *POOF*. One time is an offshoot. Twice is a coincidence. And the third - knowledge of finding out someone who professed to care for me could decide to just up and turn around and walk away and never communicate with me did me in.
I'm smart enough to know that I'm still in mourning and perhaps in a bit of post-traumatic stress. I'm smart enough to know that this isn't all there is.
But some nights....
I've lost the ability to trust. I don't trust anyone to get close to me, even just a little. I'm culling friends lists so I don't have to think about which people are or aren't my friends. My friends are the ones that communicate with me - that I know for sure. They're the ones that every so often actually want to come into my world and hang out here for a while.
I'm grateful for my roommates and friends. I don't talk about this with them, but I know they're around and they help to keep me sane, even if they don't know it.
I remember back when I had counseling for an issue in my past, and how dealing with that issue and the PTSD that resulted caused me to think about it every single fucking day without fail for the next few years. That's a really, REALLY long time to have something gnawing at your skull day after day after day. Nothing I could do could stop the thinking. No distraction in the world made it go away. It wasn't until one day my mind could come to terms with it that it finally vanished, and now I only think about it when I choose to.
I was at that point last spring, when I finally decided to set foot back into the garage to finish building the bar. I was finally ready to move on and let go of thoughts that had been plaguing me, and now I'm right back where I started.
So, here's to another year of sitting around biding my time and filling it up with whatever I can to try to distract myself from these thoughts waiting for this to pass yet again, and for random posts about me dealing with shit I thought I was over and done with.
Hooray.
